From Shame to Redemption: My Story of Regeneration in Community

November 17, 2021 by Cal Walters in Self Management

5 Key Take-Aways from Embracing Community in a Lonely World

By: Ryan Brence

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

— John 16:33

I was in a pit of shame and despair.

It was August 2020, several months into the worldwide pandemic, and I found myself unemployed for the first time.

After suddenly being let go by my previous employer, a short stint of hope for a more rewarding future was quickly overshadowed by the reality that I had no clear idea of what I was going to do.

Four years removed from military service, and I felt like my professional career path was on rocky ground. More significantly though, I associated my performance and former supervisor’s decision with my overall personal identity.

Not good enough.

Doesn’t have what it takes.

Cannot produce like [insert other person].

Although this was a big setback for me, it was not the first time that I had battled the sense of shame that was rooted in insecurity, pride, and comparison.

After a few days of processing what happened, my anger and bitterness turned into anxiety and self-pity. I realized that this was a normal cycle for me, and if not dealt with, it would lead me towards a downward spiral that I’d experienced several times before.

I needed help.

But I wasn’t yearning for assistance in crafting the perfect resume or landing the ideal job position. Don’t get me wrong – I wanted those things, but I knew instinctively that my heart and soul needed something more that would bring me back to my true identity and recenter my perspective to move forward.

Like countless others during the outbreak of COVID-19, I felt withdrawn from genuine relationships and true community. So, with the encouragement of my wife and family members, I joined a church recovery program focused on working through my deepest doubts and insecurities about myself with other men.

This program was not for the faint of heart. The 12-step program would take one full calendar year to complete, as I worked through a daily Bible-based curriculum and met weekly with a small group of men that were seeking answers themselves.

The men in my group all had their own hang-ups that were separating them from true joy, peace, and contentment that we all so desperately desire in our lives.

But we weren’t alone…

While each of our struggles were different and relative to our own journeys, all our issues were ultimately woven together pointing to a lack of real trust in what and who we proclaimed to believe – faith in Jesus Christ as our Lord & Savior.

Now before I go any further, I need you to understand that this year-long, 12-step process did not transform me into a “new and improved” man. In fact, it actually revealed to me just how prone I am to selfish desires and sinful tendencies that can spin out of control if not intentionally addressed.

However, it did help me restore my identity and perspective. And a huge factor leading to my recovery was the self-reflection and awareness that I experienced within an authentic community.

Although this was a Christian recovery program grounded by Bible-based principles, I want to share five universal take-aways from my year-long experience that I believe apply to anyone, regardless of background or religious affiliation.

1. It’s okay to reach out for help.

Actually, we should intentionally seek out help on a more frequent basis. One of the main ideas of the “American Dream” is that anyone can make something of themselves if they work hard enough. While this has been proven true by countless hard-working Americans, I’d venture to say that many of the “self-made” success stories are undergirded by some type of support system.

Whether it’s family, friends, church, medical/behavioral specialists, hobby-interest groups, or dare I say coworkers, we must get more comfortable asking for help when needed…especially in times like these when we can easily become more isolated than ever before.

Our future generation is in the midst of a psychological crisis. In 2019, almost 19% of high school students in the United States had seriously considered suicide, while 15% made an attempt plan, and 9% reported actually attempting suicide at least once.

Those are staggering statistics that have only continued to rise with the onset of COVID-19, specifically with teenage girls.

As leaders in our families, businesses, and social groups, we must set the example by making it clear that it is a sign of strength to reach out for help. The only way to fight darkness is to bring it to light, so if you sense that darkness in your own life or someone else close to you, I implore you to take the first step in seeking out assistance. We are not alone. We are stronger together. This leads to my second take-away.

2. We need community and authentic relationships.

After I sought out help and joined the church recovery program, I was put into a group of 12 men, most of whom I had never met before. The first several weeks were embarrassing, and frankly, awkward.

This was a diverse group of men spanning several generations with different issues ranging from various forms of addiction, abuse, and/or anxiety, just to name a few. With each week, our willingness to be open and honest increased, and we were able to get beyond the surface level to the root of our struggles.

It was messy.

It was uncomfortable.

It was refreshing.

It was beautiful.

Ultimately, we are designed for community and helping one another. We all have a fundamental desire to be known, loved, and accepted. So to have people in my corner encouraging me and holding me accountable in a loving, safe way was game-changing.

In Brene Brown’s book Dare to Lead, she writes about how we wear armor to protect our own self-image and emotions. Being an Army veteran, I understand the importance and need for armor in certain situations, but I also know first-hand how much it weighs on you after time. A key piece in shedding this emotional armor is by being vulnerable enough to let others in, which actually gives us the space to breathe and cultivate genuine connections.

As I shared my struggles each week, the powerful presence of others listening to and accepting me, as I was, gave me the freedom to become more vulnerable with where I actually was in my journey. In doing so, my recovery was reinforced by my own self-reflection (often realized as I was pouring out my heart) and my group’s heartfelt prayers and genuine encouragement. I actually felt lighter because I finally began to shed my emotional armor that had been weighing me down for far too long.

In today’s age, we live in a very private society that typically showcases the “best” parts of our lives through social media. If we’re honest with ourselves though, deep down we all want to be known and have more authentic relationships.

With a little hope and vulnerability, this can be accomplished. It is simply a matter of taking the first step to reach out to someone that you trust and work towards truly being heard or hearing them. It may take time, but if it is genuine, I promise that you will not regret your decision to go deeper with someone you care about.

3. **We must give ourselves grace.**

My first daughter’s name is Grace. I’ve always loved that name, and really the word in general, but I never fully understood what it actually meant.

I’ve always been a hard worker and also very hard on myself. Like other over-achievers, I typically was not the best or brightest in the group, but I always took pride in the effort that I put forth to make the most out of my skills and abilities.

This striving was reinforced throughout my life as honorable and praiseworthy, but in all transparency, I usually felt like my hard work was not enough. And if my best work was not enough, then I also believed that I (as a person) was not enough.

That formula makes sense, right?

Unfortunately, I think far too many of us believe this lie as all our striving and effort can often leave us feeling more empty and of less value if we don’t meet our own or others’ expectations.

For me, it often felt like I was running on a treadmill a million miles an hour but never actually reaching my intended destination. You can hear more of my story on a previous episode of Intentional Leader with Cal here.

During my time in the church recovery program, the hardest step for me in the process was reaffirming and reaccepting the grace that was already given to me through Jesus Christ.

In Christianity, grace is defined as the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings. In short, it’s a gift of unconditional love and acceptance given by God in exchange for no work on our end.

Now, that is a formula that just doesn’t make sense in the world we live in today. But I need to affirm this truth to myself…daily. Or, I will work myself to death for all the wrong reasons.

Over the course of a year in the program, I was able to take the necessary time to process what this crazy, yet rejuvenating, word of grace meant in order to move forward in my life as I let out many long and deep breaths of exhausted air.

Whether you are a Christian or not, here’s the deal. You’re going to become fatigued at some point by all of your striving. In the long term, It’s not going to end up giving you the return on investment that you are hoping for if you are not able to accept who you are, as you are, to the God of the universe – unique, exceptional, and enough.

So, the sooner that we are able to surrender our perceived inadequacies and shortcomings, the quicker we can go about enjoying the beautiful blessings in our lives that cannot be taken for granted.

4. There is SO much to be thankful for.

You are alive. I want you to just sit on that thought right now. There is no one else exactly like you on this planet. If you live in the Western world, then you’re most likely in the top 1% of the 7.7 billion people on this earth in terms of material resources and access to overall abundance.

I don’t mention these things to shame you. I just want to remind us of the unique opportunity that we have to live our lives with intention and gratitude.

Throughout my time in the church recovery program, I realized that I was fixated on the things, traits, and circumstances that I didn’t have instead of focusing on all the incredible blessings that were right in front of me. Here are some areas that I realized I was starting to take for granted, so I started intentionally focusing on the depth of meaning behind each of them to me.

Good Health – I can walk and run and jump and move. My body does not hurt. Praise God!

Beautiful Family – I have an absolutely INCREDIBLE (and stunning!) wife and two GORGEOUS girls that I get to come home to each day.

Free Country – I can write and post this article with no fear of legal reprimand. The same action may not be true if I lived in some other countries.

Roof over my head and Food in my belly – As much as I enjoyed my time in the Army, man…am I thankful for air conditioning, heat, and plumbing. Also, my belly is blessed beyond measure by my wife’s cooking!

People that care about me – I know I can reach out and call specific family and friends at any time, and if needed, they would be there for me at a moment’s notice. What a blessing.

You may or may not have all those specific things in your life, but I know that if you really reflected on what you do have, the list would grow exponentially as time passed. With Thanksgiving approaching, let’s be intentional about maintaining an attitude of gratitude every single day, instead of every so often, or even on just one holiday out of the year.

Another practice that one of the leaders of the church recovery program encouraged our group to do was count our wins…daily. I’m talking about anything that stood out to us as a victory…however big or small or silly as it may seem.

For me, this included things like a solid workout, speaking up in a meeting about something I was passionate about, having a great conversation with a coworker, or my daughter telling me that she loved me. I used an app on my phone to track these wins daily and would review them at the end of the day to remind myself of the progress I was making in different areas of my life.

As I consistently reflected on these blessings and wins during my recovery program, I began to realize the futility of focusing on my imperfections and unknown comparisons. I have been given a unique life, and I want to climb my own mountain while appreciating and leveraging my distinct privileges and opportunities to make my life really count in the grand scheme of things.

5. **Point your perspective and embrace your journey.**

I realize that my take-aways are nothing new or groundbreaking from what you’ve most likely heard at some point in your life. These key points all seem simple and self-explanatory on the surface. However, the meaning is found in actually deciding to take action by making small, and often very difficult, incremental steps towards progress in living a more joyful and peaceful life.

After completing the program and transitioning into a new season of my life, I know that many tough days lie ahead. Whether it’s a job loss, death in the family, or even another pandemic, we all know that in this world we will have trouble.

But if we are able to point our perspective and mindset on life-giving thoughts, with the help and assistance of others, we will be able to embrace the beautiful (and messy) journey of life as we take one small step at a time.

As I mentioned in the beginning, this year-long church recovery program did not “fix” me. However, as I surrendered my situation to God, along with the other men beside me week after week, my heart and soul slowly became regenerated. Pain and brokenness, while very real and heartbreaking in the moment, can be redeemed and even help lift us to new heights if we allow them to.

Looking back on my job loss, I’m truly grateful that it was part of God’s plan and an indicator for me to seek help, so that I could uncover deeper layers that needed to be addressed in my inner being within the context of authentic community.

Throughout the process, I was able to accept that God’s grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in all my weaknesses. So, I will go ahead and boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

I will close with my introduction that I would recite each Monday night in my church recovery group:

“My name is Ryan, and I have a new life in Christ. I struggle with insecurity, pride, and comparison.”

And to God be ALL the glory.

4 Questions to Help Kick-Start Recovery

Do you or someone else need to take the first step in seeking out help? If so, consider your resources and make the call, send the text, or write the email to get started.

Who is somebody in your life that you’re interested in getting to know on a deeper level? Take the initiative and reach out to them and set up coffee or lunch.

In what area of your life can you give yourself more grace?

What is a tangible way that you can foster an attitude of gratitude? For example - capturing your daily wins, keeping a gratitude journal, or intentionally sharing your thankfulness towards someone or something

Let’s embrace the journey and make it count!!

Ryan Brence is passionate about intentionally growing in his faith, relationships, and personal & professional knowledge. As a coach's son, Ryan grew up playing sports in Texas which eventually led him to play football at the United States Military Academy at West Point.

In the US Army, Ryan graduated from Airborne and Ranger School and served over eight years as an air defense artillery and civil affairs officer both at home and abroad.

After transitioning into the civilian sector, Ryan has worked in several roles spanning from sales and business development to operations and account management. He currently lives in Dallas, TX with his wife and two daughters and enjoys working out, reading, writing, and watching his favorite sports teams - Go Cowboys and Beat Navy!

Listen to some of our most popular podcast episodes here!

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4 Keys to Avoiding the Comparison Trap

November 03, 2021 by Cal Walters in Self Management

By: Cal Walters

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

—Theodore Roosevelt

What does it mean to live an intentional life?

I think about this a lot. And I’ve come to the conclusion that living an intentional life is ultimately living a life of integrity—where there is alignment between our deepest values and our daily behaviors.

This sounds simple, and in a way, it is. But in our modern culture of overwork, overwhelm, constant striving and distraction, it is hard.

The beauty of a life of integrity is that it leads to contentment and peace with ourselves.

We all want to experience joy and lasting fulfillment.

And every person I know that is truly happy and fulfilled has a deep sense of peace.

I’m not talking about people that are stagnant and not growing.

No, happy people are typically growing and pushing themselves to reach the upper level of their God-given potential.

But happy people have a peace about who they are, where they are going, and have a healthy self-identity. They want to be better, but they have embraced their unique journey and are focused on who they are becoming.

Now, today we’re going to talk about one of the top, if not the top, threats to us experiencing true peace.

Comparison.

In the past week, you can probably point to a time when you were comparing yourself to someone else.

Maybe it was someone else’s house, their outfit, their body, someone else’s accomplishments, someone else’s job, car, significant other, children, vacation, number of followers . . .

Social media has amplified this reality.

Maybe you saw someone’s post on Instagram and you felt this tinge of jealousy hit you – you saw a curated picture of someone’s life, their family, and there was something in you that felt envy or that you were somehow lacking.

My Journey with Comparison

I recall feeling the sting of comparison when I first arrived at West Point. I did pretty well at a small high school in North Carolina. I was the captain of my varsity football team, and I even received a few letters to play football in college. But West Point didn’t officially offer me a spot on the football team. I applied to West Point, got accepted, showed up in the Summer of 2004 for Cadet Basic Training, and tried to walk on to the football team.

As luck would have it, I was one of only a few cadets to successfully walk onto the football team, but that’s when comparison started to rock my confidence.

I looked around at all of the “real football players” and immediately felt like an imposter. Many of these guys came from large high schools in big states like Texas and California. I came from a small school in North Carolina, and I wasn’t even good enough to get an official offer (these were some of the thoughts in my head). Plus, I was one of the smallest players on the team.

Comparison, comparison, comparison.

Fast forward to six years later.

I’m no longer playing football (ok, maybe some flag football). I’ve now graduated from West Point, married the most amazing woman, and moved to Hawaii. My wife was still in college, but we were fortunate to have a little money left over at the end of each month, so we started investing some of our savings.

I was really proud of our little investment account until . . . comparison.

Many of my friends and colleagues had spouses that worked outside the home. When I began to learn how much they were saving and investing, the joy I felt about our little investments went away. The more I dwelled upon how far “ahead” they were than me, I felt demotivated. Why even try? I know, this sounds really silly in retrospect. But that’s what comparison does to us. As soon as we feel like we’ve achieved a proverbial first down, we see that the first down marker has moved.

Now, before we go too far, let me clarify. Not all forms of comparison are bad. Let’s distinguish between healthy and unhealthy comparison.

Healthy Comparison is all about inspiration. When your comparison is healthy, you acknowledge that your self worth is not connected to this comparison, but you see where someone else is and you use that as healthy motivation to improve yourself. A key indicator that you are engaged in healthy comparison is that you can genuinely celebrate their success and ask for their help.

Unhealthy Comparison is directly attached to our identity and self-worth. This type of comparison affects us at our core. We feel it deeply. Instead of inspiration, we feel deep envy. Or, on the flip side, we feel intense pride about our situation. It’s as if we need them to be worse off than us to feel good about ourselves. This unhealthy comparison can divide and isolate us, placing an unspoken barrier between growth and unity found in community.

Life Picture

I want you to imagine you are about to embark on a long journey to the top of a mountain. You have a pack on your back, hiking boots on, and long in the distance you can see the peak of a mountain. Because you can see the peak of the mountain far in the distance, you generally know the direction you need to travel to get to the top, but you don’t know every twist and turn you will encounter along the way.

The top of this mountain represents the upper level of your God-given potential in life, the fulfillment of your goals and dreams according to YOUR deepest values. You begin traveling laser focused on the path in front of you and your ultimate destination at the top of the mountain. You are on track to reach the top of the mountain and you’re committed to getting there.

However, along the way you begin to look to your left and you see another person. This person also seems to be traveling down a path to a different mountain top destination.

This person is also carrying a pack. But you begin to notice that this person has better gear than you do. Their pack is newer, their clothing and boots are newer, and they seem to be traveling with overall better equipment.

Next, you turn to your right and you notice another person.

This person is also traveling to what appears to be a different mountain top destination.

You notice this person is also different from you in that they are taller, a little better looking, younger, and they appear to be in better shape.

You also notice that they seem to be moving at a faster pace than you.

Before you noticed these two individuals, you were laser focused on your destination and swiftly moving along the path. But now every time you look to the left and right you become distracted. And every time you do this you also veer just a bit off course. You also slow down your pace.

Ultimately, the more time you spend focusing on the other people the less likely it becomes that you will reach your desired destination – your mountain top.

This is exactly what we do in our own lives. We compare ourselves to people that are traveling to completely different destinations. And the more we do this the less focused we become on achieving our goals and our desires.

In the military, we have “battle drills” for predictable situations we will encounter in combat. For example, the most basic battle drill is “react to contact.” The element that first comes into contact with the enemy lays down a base of fire while a second element flanks the enemy. As an infantry unit, we drill this over and over again for two primary reasons: (1) it is predictable that we will come into contact with the enemy; and (2) we need to be really good at reacting to the enemy.

Because we know we tend to engage in unhealthy comparison (and unfortunately this trend is only increasing), we need a battle drill to react well to this predictable situation.

A Simple Battle Drill for the Comparison Trap

Next time you start to feel yourself tempted to engage in unhealthy comparison, take these 4 steps. You can even say them out loud (maybe just to yourself!).

1. Take a deliberate moment to acknowledge this truth: there is no win in comparison

When we look to others to feel good about ourselves, and when we use others as our reference point for our own self-worth, we eventually will have to confront the reality that there will always be someone smarter, richer, funnier, cuter, taller, more accomplished, better family, better job, more Twitter followers, more Facebook friends . . . the list goes on and on.

This is true for everyone – even the people at the very top in a category. Even the best athletes have to confront old age. The most unbreakable records get broken. Even the richest people eventually get surpassed by other rich people.

In Andy Stanley’s wonderful sermon series on Comparison, he puts it this way: there will always be someone with more -er . . . smarter, richer, funnier, taller, younger . . .

So as soon as I start to feel good about my situation compared to someone with less -er I will very soon after find someone with more -er.

In this step of the battle drill, we are acknowledging the futility of unhealthy comparison. In the long run, everyone loses.

King Solomon from the Bible, the wisest and richest man that ever lived said this:

**“I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind.”** Ecclesiastes 4:4

There is no win in chasing the wind.

2. Remind yourself this truth: success is not a zero sum game.

There is more than enough success to go around. My success does not mean you can’t also be successful. When other people succeed, we can freely celebrate their success without it somehow detracting from us.

Sure, there are times when only one person can truly win. My daughter reminds me this every time we play Monopoly.

But, in the big-picture context of life, there is more than enough success to go around.

This is about adopting an abundance mindset over a scarcity mindset.

After acknowledging the futility of comparison (Step 1), take a moment to remember that both you and the person to whom you are comparing can be successful at the same time.

3. Choose to Celebrate Other People

Step 3 in the Battle Drill is to deliberately celebrate the other person. When that feeling of jealousy starts to creep in, replace it with joy for the other person’s success.

Often the deliberate act of celebration leads to feelings of genuine excitement for the other person. It’s like praying for someone with whom you are upset. It’s hard to do the selfless act of prayer while also feeling anger towards someone. The feelings follow the behavior.

Doing this quickly shuts down the human tendency to focus on comparison. Complimenting someone or celebrating their success puts your heart in the right place and allows you to focus on others instead of yourself.

Celebrating someone can also turn unhealthy comparison into a chance to learn from someone else. We may now be genuinely inspired by them and be in a place to learn from them and grow. Who knows, you may give them the boost they need to carry on. We never know what others may be going through.

4. Remind yourself of this truth: I am on my own journey to do what only I can do.

Step 4 is to recenter on your unique path.

There is no one else exactly like you on this planet – you are unique. You have a unique combination of personality traits, talents, skills, physical characteristics, desires, experiences, and relationships.

Let me give you a few stats to demonstrate how special you are:

If I could take all of the DNA strands from your body, uncoil them and lay them out, they would stretch over 10 BILLION miles long. That’s all the way to Pluto and back, or to the sun and back 50 times!

Your body is made up of 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (seven octillion) atoms! (That’s a 7 with 27 zeros behind it)

Your heart casually pumps on average of 100,000 times per day, without you even thinking about it

Any parent that has gone through the miracle of birth knows how delicate life is – how many key stages of development have to occur for you to exist as you do today

Your mother had about a 1 in 20,000 chance of ever meeting your father. And that’s just of them ever meeting each other

The specific combination of reproductive cells that resulted in your existence occurs at a likelihood of 1 in 400 quadrillion

If you live in the Western world, then you’re probably even in the top 1% of the 7.7 billion people on Earth. There are literally billions of people that would look at your life, what you have, your circumstances, and would love to have the life of abundance that you have.

After describing comparison as like chasing the wind, the wise King Solomon had another great line about how gratitude leads to peace:

“Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.” Ecclesiastes 4:4

You were created and born to do incredible things. There is something on this earth that only you can do. You have the perfect combination of gifts, talents, and circumstances to do something beyond what you can imagine.

But as long as you’re spending time focused on the people to your left and right, that energy you’re expending could be used to focus on the greatness within you – about reaching your full potential and fulfilling that purpose for which you were born.

In our journey to live a more intentional life, to focus on our unique path in life and work to create alignment between our deepest values and our daily behaviors, don’t let comparison distract you from your path.

I hope this simple 4-step battle drill can help you the next time you start to compare. It is coming, but you’ll be ready.

Go climb your mountain! I’m rooting for you!

Check out the following episodes for more content on gratitude and adopting a Go-Giver mindset:

#22: The New Science of Gratitude

#28: Bob Burg — the Go-Giver Way

Cal is the Founder and Host of the Intentional Leader podcast. He is also a major in the US Army and currently serves as the Chief of Criminal Law at the 82nd Airborne Division at Fort Bragg, NC.

Cal is a graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point, Campbell Law School, US Army Ranger School, and the US Army Airborne School. Prior to attending law school, Cal served as an infantry officer in the US Army where he led a rifle platoon, served as the second in command of an infantry company, deployed to Iraq, and served as an aide-de-camp for an Army general.

He is passionate about helping leaders grow and hopes every interaction you have with Intentional Leader helps you grow in your life and leadership.

Cal and his wife, Natalie, have one daughter.

Listen to some of our most popular episodes here!

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How to Energize your Team Regardless of your Personality

October 19, 2021 by Cal Walters in Organizational Leadership, Self Management

By: Tim Janes

Do you believe a leader’s energy affects the way their team performs?

Should we pay close attention to our mood, and how it influences those around us?

My answer to both questions is a resounding: YES! Let me tell you why.

The Milestone

About two weeks ago, my organization hit an awesome milestone for one of our customer solutions. As the original project manager, I wanted to celebrate the milestone with the whole organization - we all worked to drive this solution together. To start the planning process, I met with the marketing team to discuss how we would make the big announcement.

I showed up to the meeting in our boardroom a little early to set up - I pulled up my short PowerPoint, connected my phone to the bluetooth speakers, and thought about the environment that I wanted to create for this meeting. Most of those attending knew the general idea of the meeting, but did not know the details, so I wanted to make it a big reveal for them. As I set up, I kept thinking about the excitement that I wanted to portray. Being a relatively reserved person, I knew I had to muster all the energy I could.

I surprised myself... and the team!

I greeted the marketing team members as they arrived one by one. Once everyone was settled, I began: “Okay everyone, thanks for coming. Let’s get to it - we have some pretty serious stuff to discuss.” *cue “Get Ready for This” by 2 Unlimited*

I continued (with loud excitement): “WE JUST HIT A HUGE MILESTONE!!!” I followed that with a short, energetic presentation of the details.

For those that don’t know me, this behavior was out of character. As I alluded to before, I’m known for being quiet, laid-back, and whatever the opposite of this was. That said, it caught everyone by surprise - even me!

What followed was an excited, engaged conversation about how to celebrate the milestone, with all attendees enthusiastically participating.

Setting the Temperature

As leaders, we set the temperature in the room. Whether it’s when we walk into the office in the morning, during a one-on-one conversation, at the coffee pot, or in a meeting, our energy, mood, and behavior is absorbed by those around us.

We have a choice to set the temperature. Regardless of our current emotional state, we can be intentional with how we interact with others to create the environment of our choosing. In fact, whether we are intentional about this or not, the fact is that every time a leader walks into a room, the proverbial temperature changes. So, if you’re not thoughtful about this, you’re leaving the atmosphere entirely up to whatever mood you walk in with.

So, do we have to walk in the door every single morning with a huge smile, high five everybody, and tell everyone how excited we are to be at work? Of course not. Not every day is fun, easy, or exciting. The question is, even on difficult days, how are we reacting? Are we throwing our arms up in the air and yelling at people? Or are we encouraging the team to gather information and come together to overcome obstacles?

Authenticity is important - people can tell when we’re being fake. Coupling our authenticity with our actions and words is how we create an atmosphere of safety, satisfaction, and growth. Even on our bad days, we have to be aware of the impact that our actions have on those around us.

It’s important to consider an epidemic of the modern workplace here: burnout. Too many leaders and too many individual contributors are experiencing this phenomenon. When a leader is burned out, their energy plummets along with their authenticity. In turn, their team often bears the brunt of the leader’s mood and apathy. As we recently heard from Carey Nieuwhof on Episode 72 of the podcast, managing our energy should be at the top of a leader’s priority list.

Lead Thyself

Whether you are the CEO, a team leader, or even if you don’t formally lead anybody at all, you can make this choice. Energy is contagious. Be aware of what you’re feeling, and how you’re reacting. Understand how your actions and words affect the atmosphere of the room. If you find yourself in the middle of a negative group conversation, be the one that makes positive change. If your team is going through a difficult moment, be the one that shows support and creates cohesion.

As a leader, it starts with you. Leadership is a choice. Part of that choice is how you show up for those around you, and the environment that you establish.

Before you walk into the office or log into work tomorrow, ask yourself:

What impact can my attitude and actions have on my team’s success?
What actions will I take to create a safe, welcoming environment for others?
How can I bring my authentic self, and in turn encourage others to do the same?

Do you have any tips for managing your energy? Have you intentionally created an environment of safety and growth for your team? If so, please tell us about your experience by leaving a comment on this post or on social media. Other leaders could benefit from hearing what you have to say!

Tim is a young professional whose life mission is to create supportive communities, so that others may thrive. He is the Process Manager for an HVAC distributor, where he has worked since he graduated from The University of Scranton in 2015.

With a bachelors in Operations Management and a minor in Philosophy, Tim spends his time critically thinking about optimizing people and processes. He strongly believes that each person has the power within them to positively affect the world, and that the role of a leader is to help their people harness that power.

Tim subscribes to the ideals of Servant Leadership, more specifically in connection with Jesuit/Ignatian ideals of care for the whole person, service of others, and striving for the "more." Tim lives in New Jersey with his wife, and he has a passion for soccer, photography, and personal development.

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Is this One Simple Thing We're Failing to Do as Leaders?

October 04, 2021 by Cal Walters in Organizational Leadership, Self Management

By: Wes Cochrane

If you’ve ever played a team sport, you know how simple effective leadership can be.

It’s the team captain that sticks around after the final huddle to help the staff pick up all the gear and equipment on the field.

It’s the teammate that refuses to quit at halftime despite a sizable deficit in the score.

It’s the freshman on varsity that shows up and puts in twice as much effort as the seniors on her team.

Each of the players in these examples is a leader. It’s not a stretch to imagine that the team captain, choosing to serve his student staff after a hard practice, is setting an example in humility. It’s not a stretch to imagine the flame of inspiration flickering back to life in a locker room at halftime when a teammate is confident the team can turn the tides in the third quarter. It’s not a stretch to imagine that the seniors on a team will find a different gear when they see their freshman counterpart putting in the work to get better.

Effective leadership never needs to be extravagant. In some cases, it can be as simple as a sincere apology.

The Broken Work Relationship

A good friend of mine spent nearly six years as a highly successful sales rep for an innovative medical device company. Before that, he’d earned his MBA. Despite being offered an opportunity to lead a sales team of his own, a medical software startup recruited him away to head up its business development. He jumped at the opportunity to be a part of building something from the ground up.

True to form, he dove right in and began adding value from day one. The only problem was that his boss—the CEO—seemed unable to care less. My friend spent the first few weeks learning the startup’s unique software products, mission, and corporate roadmap. He talked with various stakeholders and read everything he could get his hands on. Within that first month or so, he not only understood the startup’s competitive advantage, he really believed in the products and the mission to get them into the hands of clients.

After he felt comfortable enough, he prepared 90-day and 180-day plans on where and how he could plug in and influence.

He just needed to get thirty to sixty minutes on his CEO’s calendar. As we say in the Army, he wanted that “azimuth check” – a sense that he was moving in the right direction in his new role.

No dice...

For the next two weeks, any effort to connect with the CEO was met with apparent indifference—the classic “meh” response. More frustrating was that multiple times, in group meetings, the CEO had deliberately stopped the meeting to publicly correct my friend for things as innocuous as apologizing to the presenter when asking him to return to a previous slide because he had a question (picture a leader interrupting a meeting to say, with a dose of machismo, “[bro] stop apologizing when you have a question – this isn’t the south.”).

By the time my friend and I reconnected for beers one night, it was clear that he was frustrated at work. He just didn’t get it and he didn’t know what to do. He was exasperated with his CEO—a man to whom he directly reported.

Forget feeling appreciated; he felt like he’d been deliberately ignored and publically condescended. None of this made sense to him: “Why hire me in the first place if he’s just going to ignore me or talk to me like that?”

He asked me what I thought.

I considered it for a minute and then asked him, “What if your boss were to apologize? Like, sincerely apologize. What if he came to you and said, ‘[Friend]… listen, I owe you an apology. I haven’t been available to you as your CEO and I haven’t shown you the respect you deserve. I’m sorry. I really am thankful that you’re a part of this team and I want the opportunity to reset and get off on the right foot, like I should have done in the first place.’?”

“That would change the game,” my friend said. “I’d overlook everything. That would be a real game changer.”

Of course, the entire conversation was hypothetical, and there was no guarantee my friend’s boss would apologize. My friend can only control himself. We discussed other ways he might tactfully, but firmly approach his boss about the current circumstances and the perceived tension in their relationship (after more than eight weeks, he still hadn’t had that initial sit-down meeting!).

But I couldn’t forget my friend’s response: “…I’d overlook everything. That would be a real game changer.”

Power in Apologies

There is tremendous power in a sincere apology. An apology is a recognition of wrongdoing – whether as a result of doing or failing to do something.

A sincere apology, unlike a hollow statement of regret that merely acknowledges that someone is upset, has some key ingredients:

It’s personal – that is, the one apologizing uses personal pronouns and expresses vulnerability (e.g., “I’m sorry I offended you;” or “I owe you an apology for …”). Contrast this with some poor alternatives that usually employ the passive voice (e.g., “I’m sorry you feel hurt;” or “I’m sorry you’re upset by what I said…”).
It’s tailored – that is, the apology isn’t generic; rather, it’s designed to fit the facts and it’s to the point. In short, it’s situation specific and conveys the sense that the one apologizing has put some actual thought into saying sorry (e.g., “I’m sorry for calling you out in that meeting yesterday. That was totally uncalled for and I not only caught you off guard, but I was just plain rude–and you didn’t deserve that.”)
It’s timely – that is, it’s close in time to the offense or omission. An apology at some point is better than an apology at no point. However, a sincere apology is best delivered close in time to the offense, while feelings are fresh. Problems or wounds don’t get better with time – they can rot and hearts can harden. A quick recognition of wrongdoing and ownership for it can lead to early restoration before resentment settles in for the long haul.
It’s humble – that is, there is an actual sense of remorse and no effort to justify. People can sniff out a phony apology (e.g., “I’m sorry what I said offended you.”). In a humble apology, one forgoes the chance to “save face” and one actually asks for forgiveness (e.g., “I apologize for talking about you behind your back. That was immature and I have no excuse for doing that. I would be equally hurt if I were in your shoes. I hope you can forgive me.”).

When sincere, an apology not only lowers the temperature, it sets the conditions for restoration of a relationship, often leaving the relationship even stronger than it was.

And relationships at work are everything. Most of us work with people. We work in teams. Most of our work, regardless of industry or profession, is a people business.

We will inevitably have conflict. One of my favorite authors and leadership thinkers is Patrick Lencioni, who often preaches that conflict around ideas is a good thing; while conflict over people and personalities isn’t. Conflict over ideas leads to more clarity, to a better solution, or to a better product.

Conflict over people and personalities merely increases office drama and politics. Further, such conflict actually stifles conflict over ideas (at a meeting, for example, people don’t feel like speaking up because they just “hate that freakin’ guy” and want the meeting to end), which prevents clarity and may lead to poor decisions (given the reduced input from the very people who will be asked to implement the decision).

**Inevitably, though, there will be conflict around people—which is why being able to reconcile (and reconcile quickly) is a vital soft skill for everyone—not merely leaders.**

As leaders, I don’t think we have an excuse not to tap into this. As Lencioni has noted, we either have a culture where there is healthy conflict around ideas, or we don’t.

As you read this, if you conclude this is basic, it’s because it is. But as Lencioni has pointed out, “…most organizations are unhealthy precisely because they aren’t doing the basic things, which require discipline, persistence, and follow-through more than sophistication or intelligence.”

As leaders, it’s not uncommon that we’re the ones who need to apologize.

Let’s challenge ourselves this week : this week, when you get that sense in your gut that you’ve offended someone at work (or even at home, for that matter) don’t run from that. Own it and take the time to apologize sincerely. Tell them you appreciate their willingness to be transparent with you.

This is the opportunity that awaits my friend’s boss, if he decides to take it. As my friend revealed, an apology from him would wipe out eight weeks of slights and indifference.

This is what leadership looks like. Like the simple examples at the beginning of this post, being humble enough to apologize when you’ve wronged or offended a colleague is the sort of basic, blocking-and-tackling leadership that creates an impact. There’s nothing fancy about it – it never needs to be extravagant. It just boils down to a straightforward choice. As we teach at Intentional Leader, leadership is always a choice. It’s not a title or a degree or a reputation, it’s a choice.

Lead well, friends.

Wes is passionate about leadership development and is a gifted speaker, coach, and teacher. Wes recently spent the last two years as a military prosecutor at the 82nd Airborne Division, where he was consistently praised for his advocacy skills by seasoned trial practitioners.

Wes is a graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point, the University of Richmond School of Law, and the US Army’s Ranger, Airborne, and Air Assault schools. Prior to attending law school, Wes served as an infantry officer in the US Army where he led a rifle platoon, served as the second in command of an infantry company, and deployed to Afghanistan. He is now a major in the Army and is attending the Graduate Course at the Judge Advocate General’s Legal Center and School in Charlottesville, VA.

Wes and his wife, Anne, have three children.

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Teamwork Makes the Dream Work

September 20, 2021 by Cal Walters in Organizational Leadership

By: Ryan Brence

“Don’t tell people how to do things. Tell them what you want, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.”

— General George Patton

“Teamwork makes the dream work.”

How many times do you catch yourself saying that phrase to those around you?

More recently, I’ve been using this mantra with my two-and-a-half-year-old as we navigate life with the addition of another baby girl into our family.

But here are some key questions to consider in light of this popular catch phrase:

What is the dream (or vision) that your team is actually chasing?

What are the different groups and their roles on the team that you are working with to reach that vision?

And how do these different groups on your team work together to accomplish the mission?

The Intentional Leader Podcast recently welcomed General (Retired) Stanley McChrystal onto the show. Having reached the highest rank in the United States Army, General (R) McChrystal is certainly no stranger to leading teams. However, in 2004, he took over as commander of the U.S. Special Operations Task Force in Iraq fighting Al Queda, a network of Islamic extremists focused on eradicating Western influence from their perceived territories.

In his fascinating book, Team of Teams, McChrystal describes the challenging situation of leading the most elite armed forces from every branch of the U.S. military against an unconventional enemy within an ambiguous operating environment. With an often unclear insurgency force attacking them across the battlefield, the U.S. military adapted by engaging in asymmetrical warfare. This unorthodox means of conflict required quicker decisions to be made in order to save American lives and combat networks of enemy tribes and combatants that did not always adhere to the international rules of armed conflict. Over time, General (R) McChrystal realized the crucial need to transform the slow-moving bureaucratic military decision-making process into an adaptable and nimble “team of teams.”

As the commander, McChrystal continually sought to understand the big picture of the operation and ensured that information was disseminated across all units under his leadership. By sharing important context across the operating environment, along with his commander’s intent, General (R) McChrystal exemplified the nuances associated with mission command. This command philosophy encourages subordinate leaders at all echelons to exercise disciplined initiative and act aggressively and independently to accomplish the mission. Leaders focus their orders on the purpose of the operation, rather than on the details of how to perform assigned tasks, reinforcing a climate of mutual trust and understanding. ADP 6-0, Mission Command, Section 1-14, July 2019

By allowing his most well-trained and competent units to make decisions independently in an extremely convoluted environment, General (R) McChrystal’s “team of teams” were able to make headway and ultimately eliminate key threats in the fight against terrorism in Iraq.

The centerpiece of success in this equation was trust and common purpose as subordinate units understood General (R) McChrystal’s intent, realized the capabilities of those around them, and internalized the importance of their own specific task and purpose within the grand scheme of the operation. This strategy helped turn an extremely complex environment into one of adaptability through the use of shared consciousness and empowered execution.

I’ve been part of many teams in my life – whether in sports, the military, or the business world. I’m sure you have as well. The most successful and effective teams are those that trust each other because they have a shared purpose, also known as a shared consciousness. Everyone understands the big picture (the vision), what they’re seeking to achieve (the mission), and how they’re going to go about doing it (core values/principles/expectations).

Each team member realizes the importance of their role and how everyone fits into the equation. As teams grow and the environment becomes more complex, shared consciousness becomes harder and harder to achieve. Therefore, it is critical for leaders to be the Chief Reminding Officers of their organizations by consistently communicating the core foundational ideas to their team members openly and often.

From this shared consciousness, leaders should encourage their followers – typically organized in several different teams – to act without constant need for approval. This empowered execution frees individuals and groups up to make calculated decisions based on their leader’s guidance and best interest of the collective team.

The Terminators

A personal example of this concept of “team of teams” comes from one of my father’s Texas high school football coaches in his book, The 70-30 Split. As the head coach, my dad challenged each position group to come up with their own name and identity within the collective team. One assistant coach took this idea to another level by inspiring his defensive ends to take on the name and swagger of “The Terminators.”

In his meetings with “The Terminators,” this coach would constantly tell his players about the two different wolves inside of them. He said that one was evil and consisted of envy, selfishness, self-pity, and resentment. The other was good and included joy, peace, passion, and humility. Ultimately, the wolf that wins is the one that is fed the most.

“The Terminators” were on a mission to feed the good wolf and terminate the evil wolf inside of them.

The defensive ends coach would reinforce this message often, and this shared consciousness among his players made the entire team better. “The Terminators” proactively took it upon themselves to volunteer for any and every task typically reserved for younger and less experienced players.

If practice equipment needed to be picked up, “The Terminators” were on it. If the locker room needed to be cleaned, “The Terminators” divided and conquered. If a teammate’s family was moving down the block, you guessed it, “The Terminators” were there ready to do the heavy lifting. Their reputation grew amongst the rest of the team, and as the season went on, more and more players began to adopt the identity of “The Terminators” with the good wolf winning inside each of them.

Shared consciousness led to empowered execution across the team.

As an intentional leader, it’s imperative to know your organization’s why, passionately communicate it often, and entrust your team members to go out and make things happen. Of course, there will be roadblocks and challenges along the way. But if there is shared consciousness around the mission / vision / values, and trust built between you and your team, then individuals will feel empowered and compelled to execute according to plan. In the end, teamwork really does make the dream work.

Let’s go make it count!

Questions for Reflection

1. Do you and your team have a clear understanding of the organization’s mission / vision / values?

2. How is information shared across the organization? Is trust and purpose integrated into this sharing of information?

3. What are tangible ways that you can entrust and empower your teams and/or team members to take action without direct approval?

In the US Army, Ryan graduated from Airborne and Ranger School and served over eight years as an air defense artillery and civil affairs officer both at home and abroad.

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Be Your Own Chief Reminding Officer

September 07, 2021 by Cal Walters in Organizational Leadership, Self Management

By: Cal Walters

“As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is.” Proverbs 23:7

In 2016, I was a news junkie.

I had a 45-minute commute to and from work, and I spent most of that 90 minutes in the car each day listening to the news.

Being informed is not a bad thing, and I genuinely enjoy keeping up with politics and current events. But soon I started to realize spending so much time focusing on the news was impacting the way I viewed the world. I found myself dwelling on things that had little direct effect on my life. I also started to notice that what I was listening to and consuming became what I thought about, and what I thought about became what I talked about. The doom, gloom, and negativity that makes for good headlines, if dwelled upon, leads to a negative way of viewing the world.

The interesting thing about this is that I didn’t realize how much my daily consumption was affecting my thought life. The changes were gradual, but the effects were real.

I started to think more about what I was thinking about. And I wondered, if consistently consuming news that was filled with negativity brought about negative emotions and thought patterns, what if I filled my 90 minutes a day in the car with positive information?

Around January 2017, I made a shift. I discovered podcasts and became committed to audio books. As a general rule, I only consumed podcasts or books that were positive and helped me grow in my life or leadership.

My go-to podcasts to begin this shift were the Andy Stanley Leadership Podcast and the Your Move Podcast by Andy Stanley. I’ve now listened to nearly every episode of those podcasts, many of them two or three times. I also listened to dozens of other uplifting, thought-provoking books. I noticed that my entire state was far more positive as I repeatedly consumed positive content in the morning before work and in the afternoon before returning home to my family.

Even if I woke up in a bad mood, listening to a podcast on leadership, for example, on the way into work shifted my mindset. It was as if I needed to be repeatedly reminded of what was important.

I needed to put leadership on the forefront of my mind to be a better leader.

Winning the Battle in Your Mind

This is actually how our brain works, and we should take advantage of it to lead ourselves and our teams.

Let me share some bad news first.

Without deliberate effort, our minds often tend towards the negative. We have what psychologists call a negativity bias. The circumstances of life lead us to focus on fear, lies, anxiety, comparison, and victimhood. Organizations and teams--because they are made up of human beings just like you and me--also tend towards the negative without an involved leader creating a different culture. Unfortunately, if left alone, the default direction of most teams is dysfunction.

This probably doesn’t surprise you. But hopefully it highlights why we have to take intentional steps each day to inject positive, true, thoughts into our life and leadership.

“People need to be reminded more often than they need to be instructed.” Samuel Johnson, English author, critic, and lexicographer (1709-1784)

This quote from Samuel Johnson is one of Patrick Lencioni’s favorite quotes. Lencioni is the Founder and President of the Table Group, a “firm dedicated to making companies more successful and work more fulfilling.” In his view, the CEO should also be the CRO, the Chief Reminding Officer.

In my view, we should become the Chief Reminding Officer of our own lives and in the lives of our teams.

Repeated thoughts create paths in our brains. Just like a big truck driving down a dirt road, our thoughts create ruts in our brains. These ruts become more entrenched by a collection of nerves at the base of our brain stem known as the reticular activating system (RAS).

This is why many of our thought patterns are so deeply entrenched. If you think you’re a failure, you may convince yourself that you are destined for more failures. You create a failure rut. These thoughts repeat themselves over and over again in your mind. You begin training your brain to look for evidence which supports that belief and to filter out evidence which doesn’t. Our brains are designed to create neurological pathways to help us keep thinking the things we keep thinking.

As leaders, we should harness the power of the RAS for self-leadership and keeping our teams inspired.

Here are three practical things you can begin doing to maximize the power of the RAS:

1. Inject positive content into your daily life.

We ultimately become what we repeatedly think about. We’ve all heard the phrase, “garbage in, garbage out.” Maybe your mom said that growing up. It’s true. Each time I was listening to the news on my drive into work and my drive home (90 minutes a day!) I was creating paths in my brain. When we combine negative news with our inherent negativity bias, we can easily create a life full of negativity. But injecting positive, inspiring content into our lives helps us fight our negativity bias and creates new brain paths that serve us far better in our life and leadership.

2. Remind yourself daily who you are.

Not every thought that comes into our brains is true. In fact, many of the thoughts we think on a regular basis are lies, and we have the power to redirect those thoughts towards the truth. In his book, Winning the War in your Mind, Pastor Craig Groeschel recommends we adopt personal declarations to remind us of the truth. As he puts it, “The goal of a declaration is to have it become my new neural pathway, my intentionally dug trench of truth.” When dealing with money, Groeschel often begins to fear he will not have enough. Here is the declaration he has adopted to deal with this mental rut:

“Money is not and never will be a problem for me.

My God is an abundant provider who meets every need.

Because I am blessed, I will always be a blessing.

I will lead the way with irrational generosity, because

I know it’s truly more blessed to give than to receive.”

On the Intentional Leader podcast, Brigadier General Pat Work also emphasized the importance of personal mantras. Adopting declarations helps us become our own Chief Reminding Officer. What do you need to remind yourself of daily? Here are a few simple declarations I have adopted in my life as key reminders:

I am loved by God. My identity is firmly rooted in God and his love.
I am grateful. I will commit to intentionally giving thanks for the blessings in my life.
I am a person of integrity. I choose the harder right over the easier wrong.
I will give my very best today. What I do today matters.
I will genuinely listen to the people I am with. I am present and ready to make a positive impact on anyone I come in contact with.
I will not be discouraged by setbacks. These are opportunities to learn and grow.

3. Remind your team who they are and what they stand for.

Some leaders don’t like the idea of repeating themselves. But the reality is people need to hear things more than we think to become deeply rooted in their way of thinking. On your average Monday morning, your team doesn’t walk in the door focused on your values, vision, and priorities. You have to remind them of these things. That’s actually your job as a leader. Create the neurological paths you know will serve your team and the culture you want to create. For example, when my team gets together at our Monday morning meetings, I remind them what it takes to be a successful team. I talk about the importance of trust, true humility, relying on each other, leaning into conflict around ideas, accountability, and why what we do matters. Maybe they roll their eyes some Mondays, but repeating this over and over again creates the culture I want to create.

Remember, what we think about is ultimately who we become. The same is true for our team. If you feel like you’re repeating yourself, you’re on the right track.

Commit to being the Chief Reminding Officer for yourself and your team.

Let’s go make it count!

Questions for Reflection

1. What are you currently consuming (books, TV, social media, podcasts)?

2. Of the things you are currently consuming, which ones are creating positive thought patterns and which ones are creating negative thought patterns?

3. What are some lies you find yourself routinely believing?

4. What declarations can you adopt to remind yourself of daily?

5. What should you be repeating on a consistent basis for your team?

Cal is the Founder and Host of the Intentional Leader podcast. He is also a major in the US Army and currently serves as the Chief of Criminal Law at the 82nd Airborne Division at Fort Bragg, NC.

He is passionate about helping leaders grow and hopes every interaction you have with Intentional Leader helps you grow in your life and leadership.

Cal and his wife, Natalie, have one daughter.

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One Mindset Shift for Success

August 24, 2021 by Cal Walters in Self Management

By: Tim Janes

Last week, as my wife and I sat down to dinner, we began our usual after-work chat. This time was different, though - she was visibly excited. She started, “I have to tell you about this resilient little girl that I treated today.” As a pediatric physical therapist, my wife works with kids who are trying to meet physical goals to improve their function. Some make quick progress in their goals, while some take many sessions and long hours of treatment. What’s the difference between them?

My wife continued: “She was walking on the balance beam, trying to get from one end to the other without falling. She looked fearful and hesitant because this was not an easy task for her. After several attempts, she fell so abruptly she instantly started crying. She was embarrassed, and defeated. After she wiped off her tears she looked up at me with an unusual expression. I said, ‘Do you want to stop? We can do something easier.’ She said, ‘No, I want to finish, I can do this.’ Not only was I surprised, I was impressed. We trudged on. In two more attempts she walked across the whole beam without falling and we celebrated. I thought to myself: wow, she just changed her mindset and met her goal!”

Promotion vs. Prevention Mindsets

What if the biggest obstacle standing in the way of us achieving our goals is our mindset?

Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?

I don’t want to go to the gym today.
I don’t want to cook tonight.
I don’t want to have that difficult conversation.

For me, personally, those are all regular thoughts that I have. The thoughts are not inherently good nor bad, but the resulting actions often do not align with my values. The actions derived from the above thoughts usually become:

Skipping a workout, which is a missed opportunity to make my body stronger.
Eating a meal out, instead of healthy, home-cooked food.
Avoiding a conversation that could have led to growth or connection for me, the other individual, or my team.

Perhaps the simplest change that we can make in order to better align our actions with our values is to change our mindset. Just because it’s simple, doesn’t mean it’s easy. With that in mind, I ask you:

What DO you want?

For me, the answer to that question in relation to the thoughts above are:

I want a stronger, healthier body.
I want to feed my body healthy food, because I want to nourish it.
I want to create deeper connections with others, and I want to foster growth within myself and those around me.

It’s a subtle difference, but do you see what this change does? It’s a positive view on the things that we face every day. Instead of avoiding or trying not to lose, we can face things head on and try to win. The former leads to lack of intentionality, passion, and purpose. The latter leads to intentional action, ignited passion, and fulfilled purpose.

Our mindsets are the foundation from which we operate. This specific one is called a promotion mindset – the opposite being a prevention mindset. A promotion mindset determines our direction of travel – are we actively moving toward fulfillment (promotion), or are we passively moving away from challenge (prevention)? The sooner we learn to actively move toward passion, purpose, fulfillment, connection, or love, the sooner we can overcome friction and achieve our goals.

For the little girl in our story from the beginning, this meant focusing on completing her task to meet her goal, instead of focusing on preventing failure. She could have easily chosen to stop - it’s not fun for any of us when we fall off the proverbial balance beam over and over. Instead, she intentionally chose to pursue success.

Recap & Application

Before we wrap up, let’s recap those thoughts and corresponding actions:

Changing our mindsets is not easy - we have often carried them for years. As with all change, the first step is awareness. So, to aid in the process, here are some questions to ask yourself to see whether you are using a promotion mindset:

Am I being purpose-focused (promotion), or comfort-focused (prevention)?
Am I actively seeking to win (promotion), or seeking to simply not lose (prevention)?
Am I empowering individuals’ decisions and creativity (promotion), or demanding conformity (prevention)?

If you find yourself gripped by a prevention mindset (as I often do), how can you cultivate a promotion mindset? What can you do to reframe your “I don’t want to’s…” into “I want to’s”?

If you want more information on the promotion mindset, or if you want to learn about other positive mindsets, I suggest you pick up Success Mindsets by Ryan Gottfredson. That book is a great place to start, but it’s up to you to choose the mindsets from which you operate.

Success Mindsets: Your Keys to Unlocking Greater Success in Your Life, Work, & Leadership

By Ryan Gottfredson

For several of our podcast episodes where we explore mindsets, check out Cal’s conversation with Ryan Gottfredson or Jon Gordon.

Tim is a young professional whose life mission is to create supportive communities, so that others may thrive. He is the Process Manager for an HVAC distributor, where he has worked since he graduated from The University of Scranton in 2015.

Tim subscribes to the ideals of Servant Leadership, more specifically in connection with Jesuit/Ignatian ideals of care for the whole person, service of others, and striving for the "more." Tim lives in New Jersey with his fiancee, and he has a passion for soccer, photography, and personal development.

Listen to some of our most popular podcast episodes here!

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Help us close the gap in leadership instruction by partnering with us financially at Patreon

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Strength in Numbers: Getting Wins by Getting Help

August 10, 2021 by Cal Walters in Organizational Leadership, Self Management

By: Wes Cochrane

“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors, there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14, English Standard Version.

Some translations of Proverbs 11:14 use the word “victory” in lieu of “safety.” Either way, I love this proverb and its message—seek help and win.

Have you ever battled insecurity over the prospect of asking for help?

Have you ever worried that asking for help at work was somehow an admission of incompetence?

How many times have you fretted over how colleagues – or superiors – would perceive you if you admitted that you needed a hand or (as is not uncommon) were treading water?

You’re not alone if you have.

Somehow, along the way – whether a result of Hollywood depictions of seemingly self-sufficient leaders, or some other input – many of us (myself included) imbibed the notion that leaders have the answers.

Always. They know everything. They don’t really need help. Admittedly, as I read these words, it is absurd to imagine that to be the case. Yet, I’m certain I’m not alone in this warped thinking.

The promotion, the predicament, and the prescription

In June 2020, I was internally promoted to a position I was not qualified for on paper. No joke. I was selected to be a Special Victim Prosecutor. In short, my job was to closely follow federal law enforcement investigations of soldiers and energize the development of certain “special victim” cases (e.g., child abuse, domestic violence, sexual assault, and rape) to go to trial. I had developed and prosecuted these types of cases the year prior, but now, with limited experience, I was expected to lead a team of prosecutors focused exclusively on these cases. I had done well the year prior and knew the nuts and bolts of what I was doing – knew how to block and tackle – but, frankly, my own inexperience terrified me.

From July to September 2020, we plugged along. I did my best to lead, and things appeared OK on the outside. Inwardly, however, I was battling massive pressure and fear – fear of failure, fear of not getting the results the team had the prior year, fear of embarrassment. It wasn’t until a conference (fully masked and socially distanced at the time) in mid-September, that I voiced some of these concerns to one of my superiors (a great mentor of mine who was helping to lead the conference).

His first question? “Wes, have you reached out for help?”

I had a blank, sheepish expression on my face, no doubt, as I responded, “Uhh, no Sir; nothing more than an email here and there.”

He gently admonished me to reach out and physically coordinate for more-than-email advice. He reminded me that we had experts within our organization that would field calls and even physically travel down to help me and my team in person.

Game changer.

I started asking for help. I don’t want to understate this. These weren’t just phone calls, texts, or emails. I literally asked these professionals (some of whom were peers of mine) to come help in person on more demanding cases. They graciously did.

Over the next 10 months, the small team I led (and our office in general) directly benefited from the injection of expertise that poured in through the simple act of asking for help. We worked with some of the best practitioners in our field. The results were not only encouraging, they were impressive; and we grew as a team. We had new connections and friendships with other practitioners that we would never have enjoyed.

All from getting help.

In admitting my need, doors opened to me that took me far beyond where I would have ever been on my own.

My team received help (and in some cases one-on-one coaching) that I wasn’t able to deliver. Pride narrowly held me back from that.

Three observations:

(1) One byproduct of reaching out for help is the culture it creates. When leaders ask for help, it makes it OK to ask for help. The prevailing culture of our team came to be one of collaboration and humility. We flexed to friction points as a team. We strategized as a team. All of us were smarter than one of us. We didn’t do this perfectly, but this became our normal.

(2) When you ask someone for help in your work, and you actually implement their advice and express genuine thankfulness, you’re giving them something in return – you’re affirming their usefulness, their expertise, and their decision to help. It feels good to be thanked and needed.

(3) Asking for help doesn’t mean you laze around while someone else does your job. In asking for help, neither I nor my team sat like bumps on a log. We did our homework, we worked hard, we listened to the advice we got. We showed gratitude. We actually formed relationships with these amazing people that took time to work with us. In short, to ask for help, is to build a relationship. And that’s what we did.

This simple idea of reaching out for help extends, universally, to any area of life (professional or otherwise). Humans are relational. We suffer in isolation. We thrive in teams. In our work, in our relationships, in our responsibilities, or in our physical or mental health, we all will need help. We all need “an abundance of counselors.”

A few questions for you:

In what areas are you holding yourself back by not seeking the counsel of others?

Right now, what problem could you solve at work by getting help?

How can you create (or cultivate) a culture of collaboration and humility in your team?

What can you do to avoid creating a no-fail type environment, where folks are afraid to appear weak or incompetent if they don’t immediately know something?

If you liked this post, sign up for our weekly emails. Every week, Intentional Leader publishes content (either a podcast interview with an amazing leader or a blog post on intentional leadership). We have some excellent content planned for these next few months, and you won’t want to miss it!

Check out this recent episode with Sarah Roberts, where she discusses humble leadership:

Wes and his wife, Anne, have three children.

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Leading with Toughness AND Tenderness: In Memory of Coach T

July 26, 2021 by Cal Walters in Organizational Leadership

By Ryan Brence

I’ve never heard a voice like his before.

As a young coach’s kid, I would make my daily walk after classes ended from my grade school to the neighboring high school to watch football practice. I could always get a sense of the energy in the air from his booming voice, which I recognized from a mile away.

“FIRE OFF THE BALL! GREAT PUSH! GET LOWER! WAY TO POP! MOVE YOUR FEET! PUNCH - DRIVE - FINISH!”

I don’t know whether to call it a roar, bellow, or bark, but it would scare the living daylights out of you—especially if it was your first time hearing it. But if you played football for this man, you quickly became intimately familiar with his resounding voice. That was the voice of the one and only Coach T. This man spent over 50 years coaching high school football, and last year, he passed away during the height of the pandemic.

This past weekend, generations of players, coaches, family, and friends gathered to reflect on and remember what Coach T. meant to our town, high school, and those he deeply impacted throughout the course of his career.

While his voice received attention, it was his intentional actions, caring nature, and generous heart that were most notably remembered.

Everyone that plays sports knows and remembers this type of coach—the one who shows and expresses their love for you but also holds you accountable to be the very best you can possibly be. This is the type of coach that you never want to let down but you know always has your back through the ups and downs and successes and failures.

When I reflect on Coach T.’s influence and impact, two things come to mind: his toughness AND his tenderness.

Toughness: Coach T. was a large, strong man. A past college football player himself, he embodied the tough, hard-nosed coach that players respected and also feared to a certain extent. His massive hands would engulf yours, and you were certain to feel (or hear) his presence whenever he was in close proximity.

Regardless of your position or status on the team, Coach T. would let you know, loudly and emphatically, if you were out of line or making fundamental mistakes.

He also made it a point to follow-up those coaching opportunities with a bear paw around your neck and explanation for his correction and how it impacted the team. This brings me to my second point - Coach T.’s tenderness.

Tenderness: As big and scary as Coach T. seemed, every one of his past players would emphasize his loving and caring nature off the field. As a long-time elementary school physical education teacher, Coach T. loved and adored kids of all ages. While he was passionate about the game of football and coached with all of his heart and soul, he recognized the bigger picture of helping mold young boys and girls into the very best versions of themselves.

He used his platform to honor his faith in God and consistently cultivated a family atmosphere that brought everyone together. As I mentioned before, regardless of your status on the team, Coach T. loved and cared for everyone equally, and we all felt it. It was tangible and genuinely authentic to who he was and the values and principles he stood for.

When I think of great leaders, it is those who have the right blend of toughness and tenderness that stand apart from the rest. Coach T. displayed this natural touch of leadership and influence that made you want to perform at your very best while also doing things the right way on and off the field. He inspired you to be the very best teammate you could possibly be in every sense of the word.

I’m so thankful and appreciative of Coach T.’s godly example of a life well-lived. As loud as he could be, it was his intentional actions and generous heart that will always be remembered. With the thousands of kids that he impacted over the years, I know Coach T.’s legacy will continue to echo on generation after generation...just like his one-of-a-kind voice that I could recognize from a mile away.

APPLICATION

Here are a few questions to consider:

Do you have a “Coach T.” in your life? If so, what qualities make them an effective and memorable leader?

Would you consider yourself more of a tough or tender leader? How can you intentionally lead with a combination of both approaches?

How can you live more intentionally to be someone else’s “Coach T.” months and years from now? The world desires and needs more leaders like him...

Let’s make it count!!

In the US Army, Ryan graduated from Airborne and Ranger School and served over eight years as an air defense artillery and civil affairs officer both at home and abroad.

After transitioning into the civilian sector, Ryan has worked in several roles spanning from sales and business development to operations and account management. He currently lives in Dallas, TX with his wife and daughter (with one daughter on the way!) and enjoys working out, reading, writing, and watching his favorite sports teams - Go Cowboys and Beat Navy!

For more learning, check out the following episodes of the Intentional Leader podcast:

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Leadership in Action: The Power of a Simple Mantra

July 13, 2021 by Cal Walters in Organizational Leadership

By: Wes Cochrane

One of the most effective leaders I ever met was a 21 year-old college junior. It was the summer of 2007, and I was heading into my second year at West Point. West Point’s training model has since morphed (and no doubt, improved), but back then, rising second-year cadets (also known as “Yearlings,” or “Yuks”) went to an intensive 6-week training program located at West Point’s Camp Buckner, where they learned small unit tactics, received training on medical skills, use of artillery, and integration of combat and close air support, and put everything together in a culminating field training exercise involving sustained combat operations against a simulated enemy. We were divided into 9-person squads, with a rising third-year cadet (or “Cow”) leading 8 of us Yuks.

My squad leader for a portion of that summer training was an impressive cadet named Dana. A West Point football player, Dana was powerfully-built and had a seemingly immeasurable reservoir of energy. Among an already fit group of cadets, Dana seemed stronger and faster than any of us. He covered kilometer after kilometer with a heavy rucksack on his back with zero complaint, which, if you’ve ever “rucked,” you know it’s awful… just like jumping out of an airplane; I don’t care who you are :) . He also seemed to know – really know – what the heck he was actually doing. He understood not just how to perform the skills we were learning, but also how to effectively teach the concepts to us.

However, what made Dana truly effective was not his physical prowess and knowledge. Of course, being competent is a necessary ingredient for any leader; but, what made Dana truly effective was his attitude. Only a third year cadet himself, Dana already knew how to actually lead. And his leadership style was straight-forward and uncomplicated.

He consistently did two things well:

(1) he maintained a relentlessly-positive attitude; and

(2) he used a simple, but powerful mantra: “Get your minds right.”

Before any long movement, under heavy loads, “Get your minds right.”

Before a combat water obstacle course, “Get your minds right.”

Before a long night of patrol-base operations where the squad would get limited sleep and brave the typical summer thunderstorm, “Get your minds right.”

Even at the beginning of a day, before some routine training, “Get your minds right.”

Every day, “Get your minds right;” delivered with a steady stream of positivity and encouragement.

Such mantras can risk being facially cliché, and, initially, the squad’s response was muted. However, over time, Dana’s approach won us over. He delivered his simple mantra genuinely, sincerely, and most importantly – consistently. The squad caught on. “Get your minds right” became almost talismanic in its effect. It had a sobering, focusing effect; and our squad responded. It prompted us to make the choice to be engaged. To show up. To get in the right frame of mind. In an environment where the “work” was physically exhausting and often grueling, Dana focused our squad with a simple, but powerful mantra – day after day. His simple mantra and consistent positive attitude were the tools he used to get us to put one foot in front of the other and keep marching toward our goals. While seeing significant, measurable success over the course of the summer, the squad bonded and avoided the drama that other squads fell prey to.

Dana married positivity with a simple mantra, and it worked. Fourteen years later, after working with numerous leaders, and leading teams myself, I can still see Dana grin and announce, “C’mon… Get your minds right. Let’s go. We got this.”

APPLICATION

As you consider Dana’s example, think about how you could apply it to your team.

What are your team’s goals? What do you need or want out of your people? How are you going to get them there? What do you need to focus them on? What positive mantra can you employ tomorrow morning, next Monday, or when the project’s deadline is drawing near and stress is peaking?

If this feels awkward for you, as a leader, then just start with yourself. What positive mantra can you offer yourself each day this next week?

Leadership is always a choice. Leaders are neither born nor made. They simply choose to lead. That’s what intentional leadership is all about.

Lead well, my friends.

Wes and his wife, Anne, have three children.

For more on leadership and life mantras, I highly recommend this episode of the Intentional Leader podcast with Brigadier General Pat work:

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The Growth Diet: Feeding Yourself for Personal Development

June 28, 2021 by Cal Walters in Self Management

By: Tim Janes

What are you feeding yourself?

No, I’m not asking what you ate for lunch today – I’m not all that interested whether it was a salad or pizza (yum, by the way). What are you feeding your mind? What are you feeding your spirit?

Personal development is a life-long journey that requires a healthy mind and spirit. When we talk about personal health, we immediately turn to our diet. We examine the food that we eat to keep our body healthy. We should do the same for developing our mind and spirit; we should evaluate what inputs we use to achieve our desired outputs.

If you are reading this, you are likely on a journey of personal, professional, or leadership development. So, I ask you: What are you feeding yourself? What books are you reading to gain more knowledge or unique perspectives? What podcasts are you consuming to gain leadership insights? What communities are you partaking in to grapple with difficult topics?

Growth does not come by accident, and it does not come easy.

We must make an intentional choice to feed ourselves with media and experiences that will further our development. Sometimes that means choosing to read a book on leadership instead of reading a new sourdough recipe. Sometimes it means listening to a podcast in the car instead of the top 25 songs from the week. Sometimes it’s even seeking out uncomfortable experiences, because it’s in those times that we learn the most about ourselves and the world.

None of this is to say that there is any right or wrong thing for you to consume – I’m not here to preach to anyone.

The right thing to feed yourself is deeply personal and unique to you.

If you’re wondering whether something is the right thing, just ask yourself: “Will this help me grow? Will this book/podcast/community/etc. get me closer to my personal development goals?” If not, maybe it’s not right for you. Back to the example of the sourdough recipe, it’s clear that reading it would not get you closer to a goal of being a more compassionate leader.

If you’re looking for resources, there are thousands of books, podcasts, videos, and other media for almost any topic under the sun – do a quick search on the internet for your area of interest. There are also intentional communities that focus on certain subjects. I recommend joining a community simply because, in my experience, growth is best done in communion with others.

Of course, a great place to start for leadership development is right here with the Intentional Leader podcast! Check out our Intentional Leader Lab page on Facebook for a community of growth-minded leaders.

“Personal growth doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not an automatic process. If you want to guarantee growth, then you need a plan—something strategic, specific, and scheduled.”

— John Maxwell

If you’re looking for more resources, feel free to reach out to me for recommendations. Also, please drop some of your favorite resources in the comments (or the Facebook group), so other leaders can find them!

Tim is a young professional who chooses to lead himself and others intentionally. His life’s purpose is to create supportive communities so that others may thrive.

If you want to read more of his content, check out his website at intentionalleadershipexchange.com, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

Leadership is a Choice

May 24, 2021 by Cal Walters in Organizational Leadership

By: Wes Cochrane

Leadership. It’s not about the haves or have nots. You ain’t born with it. It’s not made.

Leadership is a choice. It’s a choice.

It’s a choice to wake up each day and choose to lead. It’s there for you.

Before your feet hit the ground, you clothe yourself with humility. Before your feet hit the ground, you clothe yourself with strength.

You choose—each day, everyday, to serve; to listen to others; to withhold judgment; to forego pettiness; to set an example; to do what others do not want to do; to put in the time that others aren’t willing to give; to ask for help; to be help; to engage those around you; to leverage the talents and skills of those around you; to keep your head on a swivel for those who are struggling around you; to be quick to say sorry; to be quick to forgive; to be willing to take the blame; to be quick to give credit to others; to speak with authority; to be kind; to be one who continues to learn and inspires others to continue to learn.

Leadership is a choice.

It is not a gift.

It is not a talent.

It is is not a character trait.

It is a choice.

And it’s democratic.

It’s available to all who are willing to learn about; to pursue it; and to implement it—in all of its messiness. It is available to all those who are brave enough to go for it and to practice it.

It is a choice.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been leading for 5 months, 5 years, or 50 years. You have to choose—every morning—to show up and lead others.

You will not lead by accident. You do not stumble in to it. You do not default to leadership.

This is because leadership is hard. It takes effort. You’ll fail at it. You struggle with it. But, it’s universally accessible.

Are you ready to learn, are you ready to put in the work, are you ready to do what you are called to do?

That is up to you. Every single day, that is up to you and no one else.

Lead well, my friends, today and every day.

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Why Servant Leadership is Important in the Age of Individualism

April 29, 2021 by Cal Walters in Organizational Leadership, Self Management

By: Tim Janes

Servant leadership is a popular topic in managerial and leadership circles today. There are many opinions on what it actually is, whether it’s effective, and what outcomes it may produce in an organization. In this article, I will give a definition of servant leadership, discuss the potential organizational outcomes, and show why it is so important in the world today.

What is Servant Leadership?

Most people trace the term “servant leadership” back to Robert Greenleaf, who outlined what the role of a servant leader is, and why it is important to use the model of leadership in the workplace. Many studies have been done on the topic since then, and it’s hard to say that there is complete clarity into what a servant leader actually looks like. It doesn’t help that the term itself seems paradoxical – a leader who serves?

Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?

Perhaps that is why servant leadership seems so radical; it seemingly calls one to actually lead through serving.

In order to define servant leadership, it helps to identify characteristics of a servant leader. A servant leader has many characteristics, including good listening, empathy, foresight, awareness, persuasion, and a strong focus towards others. They also have solid self-awareness, they conceptualize things well for others, and they hold a strong commitment to creating empowered community.

With the characteristics of a servant leader in mind, let’s turn to their role in the organization. A servant leader, like any leader, is tasked with bringing about the realization of organizational goals. However, their tasks don’t end with the goals of the organization; rather, they feel tasked to empower and grow employees, get things done ethically, and to facilitate positive organizational behavior. This contrasts with a traditional view of leadership, where the focus is on personal gain for the leader (and the organization) through accomplishing goals and hitting metrics. Instead, servant leaders focus on gain for other individuals and for the community as a whole.

So, what is servant leadership? It is ethically leading others through compassion, listening, and empowerment in order to promote growth of individuals and the community, thereby leading to positive organizational outcomes.

Outcomes, Strengths, and Potential Weaknesses

Many positive outcomes correlate to servant leadership. Chief among them is the creation of empowered individuals. Instead of hoarding power at the “top,” a servant leader chooses to give power to their subordinates and have power with them in accomplishing shared goals. Servant leaders believe that their followers are capable of growth, so they trust their followers to make decisions themselves. In this vein, a servant leader views their role as one of support – they look at what needs to be done and ask, “How can I support this person to help them realize their potential?”

Servant leadership leads to better job performance and organizational citizenship behavior. It also positively contributes to job satisfaction, organizational commitment, and trust.

In a study by Kiker et al. (see below), they described many of these findings along with other results. They found that males increase their job performance more than females in response to servant leadership. On the other hand, females’ positive sentiments increase more than males’. Interestingly, there were differences in results between non-profit and for-profit settings. While job performance increased more in non-profit settings than it did in for-profit settings, organizational citizenship behavior, job satisfaction, commitment, and trust all increased more in for-profit settings than in non-profit settings. Perhaps the increased positive sentiments in for-profit settings is due to the starkly contrasting nature of what people in the business sector are used to from leadership.

Kiker et al. also found that servant leadership is more effective when practiced at an organization-wide level than at the individual leader level. It seems that it’s more beneficial to infuse organizational operations with servant leadership on a grand scale than it is for individual leaders to adopt the model themselves. This may be due to one of the potential pitfalls of servant leadership: not everybody wants a servant leader. Some people just want to be told what to do, rather than to be empowered to make their own decisions.

Another concern raised by some researchers is that servant leadership requires the leader to give up other tenets common in leadership, such as directing, concern for production, goal setting, and creating a vision. However, I believe that view runs contrary to what servant leaders are called to do, which is to bravely execute a vision by helping others set their own goals that will contribute to the accomplishment of communal objectives that serve the greater whole.

There is one other major positive aspect of servant leadership: it may inspire others to become servant leaders. Therefore, there is a potential ripple effect that is waiting to be unleashed if leaders at the top of an organization are willing to adopt this leadership model. As the model makes its way down the organizational chart, empowered individuals adopt the same ideals. In doing so they turn around to serve those under their purview. Even individual contributors can adapt their personal leadership to the principles of servant leadership – leading themselves, their coworkers, and their customers with compassion and humanity, thereby creating deeper connections and commitment to one another.

Servant Leadership in the Age of Individualism

There is a vicious lie that leaders have been told throughout history: it’s all about you. Servant leadership flips that in the opposite direction: it’s all about them. In an age where we are bombarded with messages telling us that our priorities should be comfort, power, and safety for ourselves, it’s no wonder that servant leadership sits uneasily with many people. But isn’t that why it is so important to adopt it now?

As the Covid-19 pandemic ripped through the globe, we became more isolated from one another than we have been in modern history. As we come out of this pandemic, there is going to be an urgent need for leaders who can build supportive communities based on trust, compassion, and companionship. This is especially true as the next generation of people come into the workforce. Young workers will be entering work environments that require collaboration, after their formative years have been full of messages that call for radical individualism. They – and the experienced workforce – will need servant leaders to help them grow, feel fulfilled, and integrate into their teams.

Final Thoughts

Think about your own professional life. Specifically, think about the best leaders that you ever met. Were they focused on lording power over their subordinates, giving directives, and being intolerant of mistakes? Or, were they focused on giving power to their subordinates, encouraging thoughtful decision-making, and tolerating mistakes that lead to growth? The first scenario is a leader who is out for personal gain, while the second is likely a servant leader.

Servant leadership, though focused on others, starts with the individual. If you want to become a servant leader, it will require a journey of introspection, discernment, and personal growth. It takes constant time, effort, and mindfulness to maintain commitment to those that you serve, but the results speak for themselves.

Most importantly, remember to always lead with love, compassion, kindness, patience, and trust. Your people will reward you with commitment, loyalty, effort, growth, and success.

Tim is a young professional who chooses to lead himself and others intentionally. His life’s purpose is to create supportive communities so that others may thrive.

If you want to read more of his content, check out his website at intentionalleadershipexchange.com, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

Tim gives credit for the following sources for this blog post:

https://www.greenleaf.org/
Northouse, P. G. (2016). Leadership: theory and practice (7th ed.) (pp. 195-256). Los Angeles, CA: SAGE.
Kiker, D. S., Scully Callahan, J., & Kiker, M. B. (2019). Exploring the Boundaries of Servant Leadership: A Meta-Analysis of the Main and Moderating Effects of Servant Leadership on Behavioral and Affective Outcomes. Journal of Managerial Issues, 31(2), 172–197.

For more on servant leadership, listen to Intentional Leader’s podcast series on this topic.

Cal also recommends you check out Patrick Lencioni’s book, The Motive, where he talks about the two motivations of a leader.

The Motive: Why So Many Leaders Abdicate Their Most Important Responsibilities (J-B Lencioni Series)

By Lencioni, Patrick M.

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We’re Not (Really) Listening

June 06, 2020 by Cal Walters

Listening is not sexy. When one compares it to its more alluring counterpart—speaking—it seems insignificant.

In society, we spend considerable time emphasizing the importance of persuasive writing, speaking, and communicating. For many people, developing listening skills only comes up after relationships begin to break down (e.g., marriage counseling).

As a prosecutor, I am constantly looking for ways to create a more persuasive presentation and hone my oral advocacy skills. But listening skills are what we desperately need as a society right now. We need to re-brand listening as attractive in society, teach it to our children, and model it in our public and private discourse.

5 Levels of Listening

In 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen R. Covey discusses five different levels of “listening” in his chapter on the 5th Habit of Highly Effective People: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.

The first level is ignoring. This one is pretty obvious. It is when we are not really listening at all.

The second is pretending. I have been caught doing this with my wife. This is when your mind is focused on something else, but you still say words—yeah, uh-huh, right—that give the impression you are mentally engaged.

The third level is selective listening. This is when we are not completely absent mentally, but we only hear certain parts of the conversation. Dr. Covey gives the example of listening to the constant chatter of a preschool child.

The fourth level is attentive listening. This level is the farthest most of us climb. This is when we pay attention and focus energy on the words that are being said, but our motive is autobiographical. You may not project your autobiography or experience into the actual interaction, but you are listening with the intent to reply, control, or manipulate.

The fifth level is empathetic listening. Very few of us listen in this manner. This is listening with the intent to truly understand. Empathetic listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. It means using all your mental and emotional energy to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It means seeing their world, feeling what they feel, and experiencing their paradigm.

The Power of Empathetic Listening

Dr. Covey points out that empathy is different than sympathy. Sympathy is the older of the two terms, entering the English language in the mid-1500s. Although today we often use sympathy to convey pity or feelings of sorrow, it originally referred to a form of agreement or judgement. But people often feed on sympathy. It can make them dependent.

“The essence of empathetic listening is not that you agree with someone; it’s that you fully, deeply, understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually.”

— Dr. Stephen R. Covey

Empathetic listening involves more than just your ears and it requires one to focus on more than just the other person’s words. You listen for feeling, meaning, and behavior. You use your right brain as well as our left. You sense, you intuit, you feel. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart. You’re focused on receiving the deep communication of another person’s soul.

Doug Crandall (listen to his interview on my podcast here) has a great story about empathetic listening from his days teaching at West Point. It was his second year of teaching and a cadet stopped by his office to talk about a grade. A few minutes into the conversation, she stops, thinks for a second, and then asks out of nowhere: “Sir, why don’t you love your daughter?”

Instead of getting defensive or putting the cadet in their place (after all he was an officer and she was a cadet), Doug responded: “Why do you ask that?” He sought to understand not just the words that came out of her mouth, but the underlying motivation, emotions, and feelings behind her question.

She continued, “Well, sir, you tell stories about your sons all the time, but you never talk about your daughter.” She explained and with each follow up question, he put himself in her shoes and began to understand what she was really communicating.

Doug explained it this way: “It wasn’t so much my daughter she was concerned about. That cadet didn’t feel like I loved HER. In a world where there were fourteen men and two women in every classroom . . . where the statues were of men . . . and the history was about men . . . and until 1976 only men could attend . . . in that world, I had made her feel like she didn’t matter. I’d done so with no malicious intent, but that was beside the point. My job as a leader, a teacher, and a person committed to loving other people was to make sure every single cadet knew that he or she mattered immensely. I’d failed.”

By practicing empathetic listening and truly seeking first to understand, Doug could now see with fresh eyes the world from her vantage point.

Psychological Air

After the need for physical survival, the next greatest need of a human being is psychological survival. The need to be understood, affirmed, validated, and appreciated. Empathetic listening meets this deep need in people.

As Dr. Covey puts it, empathetic listening gives people “psychological air.”

Imagine being in a room where the oxygen is immediately sucked out of the room. You would immediately stop thinking about whatever task you were trying to accomplish at the moment and focus on getting air. Nothing else would matter other than survival.

When we fail to listen to people in an empathetic manner, we suffocate them and fail to meet that human need to be heard. But when we listen with empathy and truly seek to understand, we give them air to breath.

Only after that vital need is met can we focus on influencing, practical solutions, and problem solving.

In America, many people are desperate to be heard. They are suffocating from our inability to listen to one another with empathy. It’s time we prioritize listening at the highest level and give our brothers and sisters air to breath. Then, perhaps, we can come up with solutions together.

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6 Observations (So Far) from the COVID-19 Outbreak

March 16, 2020 by Cal Walters

1. We have more in common than that which divides us. At our core, we want health, safety, and opportunity for ourselves and the ones we love. In moments of collective hardship, it is beautiful to watch our common humanity transcend political party, tribe, race, gender, or any group that might otherwise divide us. Serving in the military, every day I see men and women of every race, socioeconomic background, political party, and sexual orientation unite to wear the same uniform and pursue a common cause greater than each of our individual differences. May we remember this common ground when life returns to normal and we are tempted to forget our shared humanity.

2. Leadership matters, and we can all be leaders. At times like this, where the future is uncertain and fear can easily grip us all, we long for leaders to provide clarity, reassurance, and hope. We want leaders that are calm under pressure (even while panicking inside) and are willing to make tough decisions with imperfect information and no easy solutions. Whether one is leading a country, school, hospital, or family, leaders that can rise to these types of occasions are not built in a day. It may seem that they become leaders over night, but I’m convinced they rise to the occasion because they have cultivated—over time, in good times and bad—an ability to lead themselves. It is a reminder that we must “sharpen the saw” daily, as Dr. Stephen Covey would say, to be at our individual best when our best is most needed.

3. Fear is contagious, but so too is courage. At one time or another, we all feel fear. The true test is how we react to it. Do we ignore it, suppress it, or lean into it? As Nelson Mandela once said, “[C]ourage [is] not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” Courage takes many forms. Winston Churchill said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak, and courage is what it takes to sit down and listen.” In moments like these, we have seen courageous healthcare providers make themselves vulnerable to the virus to treat strangers, expecting nothing in return. We are seeing business owners give employees time off and shut their doors for the greater good, knowing it could mean the end of their business and livelihood. And, we see families across the world subject themselves to the guidance of medical experts, choosing to stay home and forego their daily routines in a collective effort to “flatten the curve.” As Doris Kearns Goodwin highlights in her book, Leadership: In Turbulent Times, “Great necessities call out great virtues.”

4. Life is precious and unpredictable. A few months ago, very few people could have predicted the widespread impact of COVID-19 on our daily lives. Similarly, on January 26, 2020, people all over the world stood in shock as they processed the tragic loss of 41-year old Kobe Bryant and his 13-year old daughter Gianna. With enough money and modern technology, it seems there is nothing we can’t predict or control. Yet, these recent events remind us we are all mortal human beings subject to the unpredictable twists and turns of life. It is a reminder to put first things first, not to take for granted the fleeting moments we get with the ones we love, and to define success for ourselves, not spend our lives chasing someone else’s definition of success. It sounds cliché, but life is truly short, and we ought to make it count.

5. We don’t choose our circumstances, but we can always choose our mindset. Ryan Gottfredson, PhD, author of the book Success Mindsets, makes a compelling case that successful people cultivate four distinct mindsets—growth instead of fixed, open instead of closed, promotion instead of prevention, and outward instead of inward. So much of our experience is shaped by our way of thinking. For example, studies show that practicing gratitude can make you happier, yet many of us have it backwards—we wait until we feel happy to express gratitude. In times of adversity and difficult circumstances, the more we cultivate a growth mindset the better. Those with a growth mindset place priority on learning and growing. Thus, they strive to put themselves in positions to maximize their development instead of avoiding challenges or getting frustrated when adversity strikes. Ultimately, they see challenges as opportunities to advance and progress and remain optimistic. In the present moment, we also see examples of individuals adopting an open mindset and an outward mindset. Those (like me) that originally thought concerns about COVID-19 were overblown, are now open to changing their minds with better information about the gravity of the situation. We see individuals less vulnerable to the coronavirus looking outward by foregoing their liberty for the greater good. We also see groups finding ways to help those most vulnerable to allow them to remain isolated and still have what they need. While our circumstances are not ideal, we still have the power to choose our mindset, and our mindset can improve our future circumstances.

6. When all else fails, where shall we put our hope? I am not pushing my faith on anyone, but it is only natural to share things we love or find meaningful. As a lover of food (I certainly live to eat), I am quick to share my favorite restaurants and coffee shops with my friends. However, because many have had negative experiences with religion and church, I am often hesitant to openly share my faith. At times like this, I am thankful that someone shared with me the love of Jesus when I was in 9th grade. My faith in Jesus gives me hope in something beyond this world, even when all other things—the government, economy, markets, businesses, people, health—may fail.

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5 Key Take-Aways from Embracing Community in a Lonely World

By: Ryan Brence

1. It’s okay to reach out for help.

2. We need community and authentic relationships.

3. We must give ourselves grace.

This striving was reinforced throughout my life as honorable and praiseworthy, but in all transparency, I usually felt like my hard work was not enough. And if my best work was not enough, then I also believed that I (as a person) was not enough.

4. There is SO much to be thankful for.

5. Point your perspective and embrace your journey.

4 Questions to Help Kick-Start Recovery

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By: Cal Walters

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

—Theodore Roosevelt

My Journey with Comparison

Life Picture

A Simple Battle Drill for the Comparison Trap

1. Take a deliberate moment to acknowledge this truth: there is no win in comparison

“I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind.” Ecclesiastes 4:4

2. Remind yourself this truth: success is not a zero sum game.

3. Choose to Celebrate Other People

4. Remind yourself of this truth: I am on my own journey to do what only I can do.

“Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.” Ecclesiastes 4:4

Check out the following episodes for more content on gratitude and adopting a Go-Giver mindset:

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By: Tim Janes

The Milestone

I surprised myself... and the team!

Setting the Temperature

Lead Thyself

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By: Wes Cochrane

Effective leadership never needs to be extravagant. In some cases, it can be as simple as a sincere apology.

The Broken Work Relationship

“That would change the game,” my friend said. “I’d overlook everything. That would be a real game changer.”

Power in Apologies

There is tremendous power in a sincere apology. An apology is a recognition of wrongdoing – whether as a result of doing or failing to do something.

When sincere, an apology not only lowers the temperature, it sets the conditions for restoration of a relationship, often leaving the relationship even stronger than it was.

Inevitably, though, there will be conflict around people—which is why being able to reconcile (and reconcile quickly) is a vital soft skill for everyone—not merely leaders.

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“Teamwork makes the dream work.”

“The Terminators” were on a mission to feed the good wolf and terminate the evil wolf inside of them.

Shared consciousness led to empowered execution across the team.

Questions for Reflection

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“As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is.” Proverbs 23:7

Winning the Battle in Your Mind

“People need to be reminded more often than they need to be instructed.” Samuel Johnson, English author, critic, and lexicographer (1709-1784)

In my view, we should become the Chief Reminding Officer of our own lives and in the lives of our teams.

1. Inject positive content into your daily life.

2. Remind yourself daily who you are.

3. Remind your team who they are and what they stand for.

Questions for Reflection

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By: Tim Janes

Promotion vs. Prevention Mindsets

Recap & Application

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By: Wes Cochrane

Somehow, along the way – whether a result of Hollywood depictions of seemingly self-sufficient leaders, or some other input – many of us (myself included) imbibed the notion that leaders have the answers.

3. **We must give ourselves grace.**

5. **Point your perspective and embrace your journey.**

**“I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind.”** Ecclesiastes 4:4

**Inevitably, though, there will be conflict around people—which is why being able to reconcile (and reconcile quickly) is a vital soft skill for everyone—not merely leaders.**