Is this One Simple Thing We're Failing to Do as Leaders?
By: Wes Cochrane
If you’ve ever played a team sport, you know how simple effective leadership can be.
It’s the team captain that sticks around after the final huddle to help the staff pick up all the gear and equipment on the field.
It’s the teammate that refuses to quit at halftime despite a sizable deficit in the score.
It’s the freshman on varsity that shows up and puts in twice as much effort as the seniors on her team.
Each of the players in these examples is a leader. It’s not a stretch to imagine that the team captain, choosing to serve his student staff after a hard practice, is setting an example in humility. It’s not a stretch to imagine the flame of inspiration flickering back to life in a locker room at halftime when a teammate is confident the team can turn the tides in the third quarter. It’s not a stretch to imagine that the seniors on a team will find a different gear when they see their freshman counterpart putting in the work to get better.
Effective leadership never needs to be extravagant. In some cases, it can be as simple as a sincere apology.
The Broken Work Relationship
A good friend of mine spent nearly six years as a highly successful sales rep for an innovative medical device company. Before that, he’d earned his MBA. Despite being offered an opportunity to lead a sales team of his own, a medical software startup recruited him away to head up its business development. He jumped at the opportunity to be a part of building something from the ground up.
True to form, he dove right in and began adding value from day one. The only problem was that his boss—the CEO—seemed unable to care less. My friend spent the first few weeks learning the startup’s unique software products, mission, and corporate roadmap. He talked with various stakeholders and read everything he could get his hands on. Within that first month or so, he not only understood the startup’s competitive advantage, he really believed in the products and the mission to get them into the hands of clients.
After he felt comfortable enough, he prepared 90-day and 180-day plans on where and how he could plug in and influence.
He just needed to get thirty to sixty minutes on his CEO’s calendar. As we say in the Army, he wanted that “azimuth check” – a sense that he was moving in the right direction in his new role.
No dice...
For the next two weeks, any effort to connect with the CEO was met with apparent indifference—the classic “meh” response. More frustrating was that multiple times, in group meetings, the CEO had deliberately stopped the meeting to publicly correct my friend for things as innocuous as apologizing to the presenter when asking him to return to a previous slide because he had a question (picture a leader interrupting a meeting to say, with a dose of machismo, “[bro] stop apologizing when you have a question – this isn’t the south.”).
By the time my friend and I reconnected for beers one night, it was clear that he was frustrated at work. He just didn’t get it and he didn’t know what to do. He was exasperated with his CEO—a man to whom he directly reported.
Forget feeling appreciated; he felt like he’d been deliberately ignored and publically condescended. None of this made sense to him: “Why hire me in the first place if he’s just going to ignore me or talk to me like that?”
He asked me what I thought.
I considered it for a minute and then asked him, “What if your boss were to apologize? Like, sincerely apologize. What if he came to you and said, ‘[Friend]… listen, I owe you an apology. I haven’t been available to you as your CEO and I haven’t shown you the respect you deserve. I’m sorry. I really am thankful that you’re a part of this team and I want the opportunity to reset and get off on the right foot, like I should have done in the first place.’?”
“That would change the game,” my friend said. “I’d overlook everything. That would be a real game changer.”
Of course, the entire conversation was hypothetical, and there was no guarantee my friend’s boss would apologize. My friend can only control himself. We discussed other ways he might tactfully, but firmly approach his boss about the current circumstances and the perceived tension in their relationship (after more than eight weeks, he still hadn’t had that initial sit-down meeting!).
But I couldn’t forget my friend’s response: “…I’d overlook everything. That would be a real game changer.”
Power in Apologies
There is tremendous power in a sincere apology. An apology is a recognition of wrongdoing – whether as a result of doing or failing to do something.
A sincere apology, unlike a hollow statement of regret that merely acknowledges that someone is upset, has some key ingredients:
It’s personal – that is, the one apologizing uses personal pronouns and expresses vulnerability (e.g., “I’m sorry I offended you;” or “I owe you an apology for …”). Contrast this with some poor alternatives that usually employ the passive voice (e.g., “I’m sorry you feel hurt;” or “I’m sorry you’re upset by what I said…”).
It’s tailored – that is, the apology isn’t generic; rather, it’s designed to fit the facts and it’s to the point. In short, it’s situation specific and conveys the sense that the one apologizing has put some actual thought into saying sorry (e.g., “I’m sorry for calling you out in that meeting yesterday. That was totally uncalled for and I not only caught you off guard, but I was just plain rude–and you didn’t deserve that.”)
It’s timely – that is, it’s close in time to the offense or omission. An apology at some point is better than an apology at no point. However, a sincere apology is best delivered close in time to the offense, while feelings are fresh. Problems or wounds don’t get better with time – they can rot and hearts can harden. A quick recognition of wrongdoing and ownership for it can lead to early restoration before resentment settles in for the long haul.
It’s humble – that is, there is an actual sense of remorse and no effort to justify. People can sniff out a phony apology (e.g., “I’m sorry what I said offended you.”). In a humble apology, one forgoes the chance to “save face” and one actually asks for forgiveness (e.g., “I apologize for talking about you behind your back. That was immature and I have no excuse for doing that. I would be equally hurt if I were in your shoes. I hope you can forgive me.”).
When sincere, an apology not only lowers the temperature, it sets the conditions for restoration of a relationship, often leaving the relationship even stronger than it was.
And relationships at work are everything. Most of us work with people. We work in teams. Most of our work, regardless of industry or profession, is a people business.
We will inevitably have conflict. One of my favorite authors and leadership thinkers is Patrick Lencioni, who often preaches that conflict around ideas is a good thing; while conflict over people and personalities isn’t. Conflict over ideas leads to more clarity, to a better solution, or to a better product.
Conflict over people and personalities merely increases office drama and politics. Further, such conflict actually stifles conflict over ideas (at a meeting, for example, people don’t feel like speaking up because they just “hate that freakin’ guy” and want the meeting to end), which prevents clarity and may lead to poor decisions (given the reduced input from the very people who will be asked to implement the decision).
Inevitably, though, there will be conflict around people—which is why being able to reconcile (and reconcile quickly) is a vital soft skill for everyone—not merely leaders.
As leaders, I don’t think we have an excuse not to tap into this. As Lencioni has noted, we either have a culture where there is healthy conflict around ideas, or we don’t.
As you read this, if you conclude this is basic, it’s because it is. But as Lencioni has pointed out, “…most organizations are unhealthy precisely because they aren’t doing the basic things, which require discipline, persistence, and follow-through more than sophistication or intelligence.”
As leaders, it’s not uncommon that we’re the ones who need to apologize.
Let’s challenge ourselves this week : this week, when you get that sense in your gut that you’ve offended someone at work (or even at home, for that matter) don’t run from that. Own it and take the time to apologize sincerely. Tell them you appreciate their willingness to be transparent with you.
This is the opportunity that awaits my friend’s boss, if he decides to take it. As my friend revealed, an apology from him would wipe out eight weeks of slights and indifference.
This is what leadership looks like. Like the simple examples at the beginning of this post, being humble enough to apologize when you’ve wronged or offended a colleague is the sort of basic, blocking-and-tackling leadership that creates an impact. There’s nothing fancy about it – it never needs to be extravagant. It just boils down to a straightforward choice. As we teach at Intentional Leader, leadership is always a choice. It’s not a title or a degree or a reputation, it’s a choice.
Lead well, friends.
Wes is passionate about leadership development and is a gifted speaker, coach, and teacher. Wes recently spent the last two years as a military prosecutor at the 82nd Airborne Division, where he was consistently praised for his advocacy skills by seasoned trial practitioners.
Wes is a graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point, the University of Richmond School of Law, and the US Army’s Ranger, Airborne, and Air Assault schools. Prior to attending law school, Wes served as an infantry officer in the US Army where he led a rifle platoon, served as the second in command of an infantry company, and deployed to Afghanistan. He is now a major in the Army and is attending the Graduate Course at the Judge Advocate General’s Legal Center and School in Charlottesville, VA.
Wes and his wife, Anne, have three children.
