Learning (and Re-Learning) a Hard Lesson: It’s Not About Me

By: Cal Walters

I’m a sensitive guy.  

As an Army dude that likes to pretend I’m tough, that’s slightly embarrassing to admit.  But it’s true.  

I feel deeply, and I’ve been known on occasion to tear up while giving a speech and even fight back emotions while giving a closing argument in a criminal trial (not something they teach in law school).  

I’m also sensitive to words.  When I receive praise, it really boosts my spirits, and when I receive critical feedback, it’s hard for me not to dwell on the negative comments for days.  

Can anyone relate?  (fist bump for my people out there) 

Of course being sensitive can be a good thing, but I often wish critical feedback more easily rolled off my back.  My wife is my opposite in this regard.  She’s an 8 on the enneagram and feels very comfortable speaking her mind and receiving direct (even negative) feedback.  It often blows my mind how even harsh comments don’t bother her.  

Why do I bring this up?  

Well, one of the biggest leadership lessons I continue to learn – and then relearn – over and over again is this simple truth: it’s not about me.  This sounds so simple, and it is a simple concept, but for someone like me it takes constant reminding to keep this principle top of mind.  

And here is what I’ve noticed: the more I make life about me the more likely I am to become overly sensitive and less effective as a leader.  This is true as I try to lead myself, lead at home, and lead at work.   

Here are 4 lessons I’ve learned as I’ve wrestled with this issue.  I hope they help you in your own journey to be a leader that is not about you.

1. Build a Strong Leadership Foundation by Getting Your Motives Right

Our motives matter.  

Well known author and management consultant Patrick Lencioni (from Episode 49 of the podcast) got the attention of the audience at the 2019 Global Leadership Summit (GLS) when he said, “Fewer people in the world should become leaders.”  That was probably not a line people thought they would hear at an event dedicated to growing leaders.  His point was this: don’t become a leader if you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.

In his book, The Motive, Lencioni sets out two primary motives for becoming a leader: (1) a reward-centered leader or (2) a responsibility-centered leader.  Reward-centered leadership is “the belief that being a leader is the reward for hard work; therefore, the experience of being a leader should be pleasant and enjoyable, free to choose what they work on and avoid anything mundane, unpleasant, or uncomfortable.”  On the flip side, responsibility-centered leadership is “the belief that being a leader is a responsibility; therefore, the experience of leading should be difficult and challenging (though certainly not without elements of personal gratification).”

The truth is we’ve probably all been enticed by some of the perks that come with being in a leadership position.  Increased pay, a sense of power and authority, maybe a better parking spot.  But it’s wise as a leader – or an aspiring leader – to step back and question your own motives.  Am I doing this for the people I lead or for the rewards I receive?  Is this about the title or the team?  

This is especially important as the work and the sacrifices begin to pile up.  If your motives are wrong and leadership gets hard – which it inevitably will – leaders with the wrong motives get upset because they feel entitled to the rewards.  After all, that’s their motive and their expectations.  Responsibility-centered leaders lean in during tough times because they know that’s what leadership is all about.  

Question your motives – and re-center yourself – as often as you can to remain focused on the most important role of a leader: inspiring, serving, and equipping your team.  

We’d like to think that our motives are hidden from the world, but the reality is that our motives come out in our actions.  As humans, we have this ability to perceive whether someone is for us or for themselves.  As the Harbinger Institute points out in its book Leadership and Self-Deception, how we receive feedback from a leader is often determined by the motives of the leader.  

Is this leader truly for me, or is this ultimately all about them?  

Their motive is often the difference between me feeling defensive or feeling inspired to change. 

As a recent guest Tim Elmore recommended, leaders that give the best feedback communicate both high expectations and high belief in the team member.

So don’t fake it.  Check your motives to ensure you’re leading for the right reasons.  

And, as Patrick Lencioni says, if your motives more often than not are all about you and the perks of leadership.  Maybe leadership isn’t for you.  That may sound harsh, but the stakes are too high.  

2. Get Good at Receiving Helpful Feedback Poorly Delivered

In their wonderful book, Thanks for the Feedback, Douglas Sone and Sheila Heen highlight the important relationship between getting and receiving feedback and growth.  If we truly want to grow, we have to be open to feedback.  The problem is, people are often bad at giving feedback.  So what do we do?  We have to get really good at receiving bad feedback.  

I recently interviewed Gino Wickman on the Intentional Leader podcast about his new book, Entrepreneurial Leap.  In the interview, Gino said, “If you went out and read the top 100 business books and applied all of that advice to your business, you’d be out of business in 90 days.”  His point, after having served hundreds of thousands of business owners and creating EOS, was that feedback is great, but it must be filtered through your own lens or it will drive you crazy.  

Synthesizing these two thoughts, we walk away with two important points: feedback is really important and we shouldn’t ignore it because of poor delivery, BUT after receiving the feedback we need to put it through our own filter to determine whether it works with our vision for the future

I view this as a two step process.  

First, the feedback comes in.  Maybe it’s your boss being upset about something not meeting expectations.  Or perhaps it’s your spouse communicating frustration with something you did or didn’t do.  This is a critical moment.  Assuming the feedback was not delivered in the best way (maybe they didn’t have the full picture or even delivered it with too much emotion) we always have the choice in how we react.  When we get upset or defensive at the way the feedback was delivered, we immediately close off to receiving it, so the key is to choose to receive the feedback.  Remind yourself that ultimately this is good for you.  Whether the feedback is 100% fair or not doesn’t really matter.  If even 1% of it helps you grow, it’s worth receiving the feedback.  I’m not saying we should wilt and not engage in a dialogue about the feedback, but the key is to focus less on their imperfect delivery and be willing to at least receive the content of their message. 

Second, we filter.  At this point, you’ve fought the temptation to get defensive.  You’ve allowed yourself to receive the content of their message.  Now it’s time to determine whether this feedback is something that you should put into action.  Maybe this is feedback about your team’s performance, or maybe this is feedback about you and your personal direction.  Although filtering is more art than science, I’m convinced there are two keys to effectively filtering: (1) having a clear vision, and (2) using the truth tellers in your life.  If we lack a clear vision, it’s hard to filter advice.  This is true for individuals or organizations.  With a clear vision, feedback that doesn’t align with the vision can be easily discarded.  Graham Cochrane recommended clear steps to creating a vision on this episode.  Follow his guide if you don’t know where to start.  If your vision alone doesn’t fully filter advice, that’s when we bring it to our truth tellers.  These are wise people in our lives who know us, are for us, and understand our vision.  They have to be for you and your vision to qualify as a truth teller. 

Next, let’s talk about a way to avoid getting defensive. 

3. Focus on the Nail and the Picture 

I’m a big fan of Dr. Tim Keller.  He is the former pastor of Redeemer Church in New York City.  If you were to hang out with me in my truck on a typical 5am ride into work, nine times out of ten you’d find me listening to one of his sermons on the Gospel in Life podcast (I highly recommend).  And of all the hundreds of sermons of his I’ve consumed over the past two years, there is one image I can’t get out of my head.  I think it resonated so deeply because it was something I desperately needed to hear.  

The sermon was about pride and selfishness, and he was talking about the person that is constantly aware of himself or herself.  I’ll summarize the illustration.  

Imagine two people are hanging pictures up in a house.  One person has the hammer and the nail trying to make sure it gets put in the exact right spot.  The other person is standing back and giving directions to the person with the hammer and nail.  The person observing tells the one with the nail to move up or down, all with the goal to ensure the picture gets hung properly.  But the person that is self-absorbed is totally focused on themselves.  They take every little direction to move left or right as an attack on their nail-moving and picture hanging abilities.  In reality, it’s not about them at all.  It’s literally just an attempt to hang the picture in the right spot.  The self-absorbed person is focused on themselves when it’s really about the nail and the picture.  

As a sensitive guy, I needed to hear this analogy.  I think about it now whenever someone is being critical of my team or talking about a way we could improve a system, increase communication, or improve something for next time.  It’s not about me, I tell myself.  They are just talking about the nail and the picture and trying to make it better.  That’s the healthy perspective. 

4. Self-Leadership is not Self-Help

At Intentional Leader, we are passionate about helping leaders lead themselves.  We know that leading the person in the mirror is the hardest leadership assignment you and I will ever receive.  

There is an entire industry out there referred to as “self-help.”  I’m not against self-help, but books focused in this area often focus on helping people improve some aspect of their life so that they can enjoy life more.  Of course I want people to be happy, but I do think it’s important to distinguish self-help from self-leadership.  Self-help is an aspect of self-leadership, but self-leadership is so much more.  Self-leadership is not ultimately about you at all.  It’s about the people that are positively impacted by you when you lead yourself well.  That’s what gets us fired up about self-leadership.  The more you lead yourself the more your cup runs over into the lives of others. When you get better as a leader, everyone else in your orbit improves.  Your family, your community, and your work get the full benefits of you at your best.  That’s what self-leadership is all about.  It’s about self-regulating for the specific purpose of maximizing your impact. You are a means to an end.

And nothing helps us more than helping others.  It’s a beautiful cycle.  We lead ourselves well and that allows us to have a larger impact on others, which ultimately makes us happier.  

As this beautiful Chinese proverb says, “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.”  

As a recovering self-absorbed person, I know that being not about me is a daily struggle.  As humans, we’re inherently selfish and self-focused.  Some of us more than others.  But, as leaders, we can take steps each day to check our motives, be receptive to feedback, and lead ourselves to increase our impact on others. 

It’s counterintuitive, but I’m convinced the good life comes when we diminish and allow others to be our focus.   

Thanks for reading and being on this journey with us.  

Remember that life is short.  Let’s go make it count!  

If you’re interested in growing in your leadership practice and being inspired to think differently and unlock greater personal potential, we want to give you a gift. Just click the link below and tell us where to send you 12 Ideas That Will Make You A Better Leader In 2022.

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Cal is the Founder of Intentional Leader and the Host of the Intentional Leader Podcast .  He is also a major in the US Army and currently serves as the Chief of Criminal Law at the 82nd Airborne Division at Fort Bragg, NC.

Cal is a graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point, Campbell Law School, US Army Ranger School, and the US Army Airborne School. Prior to attending law school, Cal served as an infantry officer in the US Army where he led a rifle platoon, served as the second in command of an infantry company, deployed to Iraq, and served as an aide-de-camp for an Army general.  

He is passionate about helping leaders grow and hopes every interaction you have with Intentional Leader helps you grow in your life and leadership.

Cal and his wife, Natalie, have two children.

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5 Keys to Self-Leadership and Why They Matter

By: Cal Walters

The hardest person you and I will ever lead is the person we see in the mirror each day. 

It’s hard to lead yourself.  I have a hard time leading myself.  

At the same time, how well we lead ourselves determines our capacity to  impact the world.  

Think about it.  Who do you respect the most?  It’s the people in your life that lead themselves the best.  

If you have a boss that doesn't lead himself or herself well, you likely won't respect them. You may still do what they ask you to do, you may want their title or their car, but you won't be inspired by them and you won’t aspire to be like them.  

We often see this first with our parents.  Whether you want to be like your mom or dad is ultimately a product of how well they lead themselves.  Did they teach you a way of living that they don’t live out themselves?  As one wise friend recently asked me, “Does their video match their audio?”  

Helping leaders grow and lead themselves better is what gets me excited about the work we do at Intentional Leader.  I get excited about the incredible impact you can have on those in your circle of influence when you are at your best.  

I know that when you learn to lead yourself better, you become a better father, mother, friend, co-worker, organizational leader . . . the list goes on and on.    

I also know that when you lead yourself well you will be able to sustain excellence over time.  You are less likely to burn out, have a significant moral failure that implodes your career, or get to the end of your life filled with regrets.  

On the Intentional Leader blog and podcast, our goal is to bring you inspirational and actionable material that helps you lead yourself.  And we will continue to do that.  Today, I just want to outline what I consider 5 foundational keys to leading yourself well.  We will explore these in more depth with future content.  

1. Commit to learning about yourself. 

The best leaders I know create consistent moments in their lives to get quiet, journal, ask themselves questions, explore their values, reflect on experiences, and get to know who they are and who they want to become over a lifetime.  

2. Don’t lie to yourself about yourself, even if it hurts. 

It’s hard to lead yourself when you’re lying to yourself.  As Andy Stanley points out on his leadership podcast, you have participated in every bad decision you’ve ever made.  The same is true for him and for me.  This means we have the capacity to convince ourselves to do things that are ultimately not good for us.  A key to avoiding this is to commit to being honest with ourselves even when it hurts.  Often this means taking ownership over those moments in life where we made poor decisions.  It’s not someone else’s fault.  I decided to do that.  I decided to have a bad attitude.  For more on this important topic, I encourage you to read the amazing book, Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute.   

3. Be in community and under authority. 

This may seem weird to say in an article about self-leadership, but we need community and accountability to thrive, learn, and grow.  One way that we can lead ourselves is by intentionally allowing people we respect to speak into our lives and hold us accountable to our own highest values.  This is where a lot of leaders get in trouble as they progress in their careers.  They rise through the ranks and become increasingly isolated from people that will hold them accountable.  The leaders that sustain excellence over time create their own “board of advisors” early in life and commit to being honest with them, even when it hurts.  There is no shortage of cautionary tales about leaders who fail to submit to authority.  One I recently examined was the story of Pastor Mark Driscoll at Mars Hill Church in Seattle. Driscoll led Mars Hill Church through more than a decade of unprecedented growth in Seattle, but Mars Hill’s influence basically evaporated overnight largely due to a loss of trust in Driscoll’s leadership and due to his unwillingness to submit to authority.  

4. Commit to being better on the inside than you are on the outside. 

Self-leadership is all about being a person of integrity.  It's about keeping your commitments to others, but more importantly, it's about keeping your commitments to yourself.  Leaders get in trouble when they begin to value the way others perceive them over how well they are keeping their own commitments and living a life of internal alignment.  This is a similar trap as #3 for leaders who rise in the ranks.  As you become more senior, your rank or position gives you a presumption of competence and character.  People are less likely to check your work because they assume you know what you’re doing.  It becomes easier to cut corners, and if you’re not careful, you can begin to value your image over the reality of the situation.  When this happens, leaders are less likely to admit mistakes and more likely to try to cover things up to keep their images intact.  The best leaders–and the leaders that sustain excellence over long periods of time–know that integrity on the inside should always trump outward appearances.  When you live this way, you can be at peace with yourself.  

5. Choose your highest values over your immediate desires. 

We all struggle with this, and we will never be perfect, but we can strive to become people who choose our deepest values in life over our immediate, short term desires that don’t support the person we hope to become.  You say you value health and fitness because it makes you feel better about yourself, live longer, and have more energy, yet you keep choosing to cheat on your nutrition plan and you keep skipping your workouts.  You’re choosing a short term desire over your highest values.  Again, we all do this, but those that lead themselves well get better and better at choosing their deepest values over those short term desires.  A key to success in doing this is doing the work to identify your values and your why behind each value.  Then, share those values with your board of advisors and create consistent moments to be held accountable to those values.  This is not easy and it takes a lifetime to get better at this, but it’s so, so important because it determines your potential impact on others and the world.  

As you consider these 5 keys to leading yourself, think about the people you respect the most in life.  The people you want to be like.  Maybe there isn’t one person that you want to be completely like, but you probably know people that do lead themselves really well in a certain area.  For example, is there someone that is fit and healthy that you want to be like?  Is there someone in your life that exemplifies the type of parent you’d love to be?  Maybe the type of organizational leader you want to be?  I bet the reason you want to be like them in that area is because they lead themselves well in that area.  

If self-leadership were easy, we wouldn’t need to talk about this.  Yet, it’s incredibly important and we are honored to be on this journey with you.  Please reach out to us at Intentional Leader if you want help in this journey of self-leadership.  Let us know your pain points and areas you find it hard to lead yourself.  

At the end of our lives, our impact on others will be proportional to how well we lead ourselves.  Let’s go make it count today! 

If you’re interested in growing in your leadership practice and being inspired to think differently and unlock greater personal potential, we want to give you a gift. Just click the link below and tell us where to send you 12 Ideas That Will Make You A Better Leader In 2022.

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Listen to some of our most popular podcast episodes here!

Help us grow by leaving a rating or review on Apple Podcasts

Help us close the gap in leadership instruction by partnering with us financially at Patreon

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From Shame to Redemption: My Story of Regeneration in Community

5 Key Take-Aways from Embracing Community in a Lonely World

By: Ryan Brence

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

— John 16:33

I was in a pit of shame and despair.

It was August 2020, several months into the worldwide pandemic, and I found myself unemployed for the first time.

After suddenly being let go by my previous employer, a short stint of hope for a more rewarding future was quickly overshadowed by the reality that I had no clear idea of what I was going to do.

Four years removed from military service, and I felt like my professional career path was on rocky ground. More significantly though, I associated my performance and former supervisor’s decision with my overall personal identity. 

Not good enough.

Doesn’t have what it takes. 

Cannot produce like [insert other person].

Although this was a big setback for me, it was not the first time that I had battled the sense of shame that was rooted in insecurity, pride, and comparison.

After a few days of processing what happened, my anger and bitterness turned into anxiety and self-pity. I realized that this was a normal cycle for me, and if not dealt with, it would lead me towards a downward spiral that I’d experienced several times before.

I needed help.

But I wasn’t yearning for assistance in crafting the perfect resume or landing the ideal job position. Don’t get me wrong – I wanted those things, but I knew instinctively that my heart and soul needed something more that would bring me back to my true identity and recenter my perspective to move forward.

Like countless others during the outbreak of COVID-19, I felt withdrawn from genuine relationships and true community. So, with the encouragement of my wife and family members, I joined a church recovery program focused on working through my deepest doubts and insecurities about myself with other men.

This program was not for the faint of heart. The 12-step program would take one full calendar year to complete, as I worked through a daily Bible-based curriculum and met weekly with a small group of men that were seeking answers themselves.

The men in my group all had their own hang-ups that were separating them from true joy, peace, and contentment that we all so desperately desire in our lives.

But we weren’t alone…

While each of our struggles were different and relative to our own journeys, all our issues were ultimately woven together pointing to a lack of real trust in what and who we proclaimed to believe – faith in Jesus Christ as our Lord & Savior.

Now before I go any further, I need you to understand that this year-long, 12-step process did not transform me into a “new and improved” man. In fact, it actually revealed to me just how prone I am to selfish desires and sinful tendencies that can spin out of control if not intentionally addressed.

However, it did help me restore my identity and perspective. And a huge factor leading to my recovery was the self-reflection and awareness that I experienced within an authentic community.

Although this was a Christian recovery program grounded by Bible-based principles, I want to share five universal take-aways from my year-long experience that I believe apply to anyone, regardless of background or religious affiliation.

1.       It’s okay to reach out for help.

Actually, we should intentionally seek out help on a more frequent basis. One of the main ideas of the “American Dream” is that anyone can make something of themselves if they work hard enough. While this has been proven true by countless hard-working Americans, I’d venture to say that many of the “self-made” success stories are undergirded by some type of support system.

Whether it’s family, friends, church, medical/behavioral specialists, hobby-interest groups, or dare I say coworkers, we must get more comfortable asking for help when needed…especially in times like these when we can easily become more isolated than ever before.

Our future generation is in the midst of a psychological crisis. In 2019, almost 19% of high school students in the United States had seriously considered suicide, while 15% made an attempt plan, and 9% reported actually attempting suicide at least once.

Those are staggering statistics that have only continued to rise with the onset of COVID-19, specifically with teenage girls.

As leaders in our families, businesses, and social groups, we must set the example by making it clear that it is a sign of strength to reach out for help. The only way to fight darkness is to bring it to light, so if you sense that darkness in your own life or someone else close to you, I implore you to take the first step in seeking out assistance. We are not alone. We are stronger together. This leads to my second take-away.

2.       We need community and authentic relationships.

After I sought out help and joined the church recovery program, I was put into a group of 12 men, most of whom I had never met before. The first several weeks were embarrassing, and frankly, awkward.

This was a diverse group of men spanning several generations with different issues ranging from various forms of addiction, abuse, and/or anxiety, just to name a few. With each week, our willingness to be open and honest increased, and we were able to get beyond the surface level to the root of our struggles. 

It was messy.

It was uncomfortable.

It was refreshing.

It was beautiful.

Ultimately, we are designed for community and helping one another. We all have a fundamental desire to be known, loved, and accepted. So to have people in my corner encouraging me and holding me accountable in a loving, safe way was game-changing.

In Brene Brown’s book Dare to Lead, she writes about how we wear armor to protect our own self-image and emotions. Being an Army veteran, I understand the importance and need for armor in certain situations, but I also know first-hand how much it weighs on you after time. A key piece in shedding this emotional armor is by being vulnerable enough to let others in, which actually gives us the space to breathe and cultivate genuine connections. 

As I shared my struggles each week, the powerful presence of others listening to and accepting me, as I was, gave me the freedom to become more vulnerable with where I actually was in my journey. In doing so, my recovery was reinforced by my own self-reflection (often realized as I was pouring out my heart) and my group’s heartfelt prayers and genuine encouragement. I actually felt lighter because I finally began to shed my emotional armor that had been weighing me down for far too long.

In today’s age, we live in a very private society that typically showcases the “best” parts of our lives through social media. If we’re honest with ourselves though, deep down we all want to be known and have more authentic relationships.

With a little hope and vulnerability, this can be accomplished. It is simply a matter of taking the first step to reach out to someone that you trust and work towards truly being heard or hearing them. It may take time, but if it is genuine, I promise that you will not regret your decision to go deeper with someone you care about.

3.       We must give ourselves grace.

My first daughter’s name is Grace. I’ve always loved that name, and really the word in general, but I never fully understood what it actually meant.

I’ve always been a hard worker and also very hard on myself. Like other over-achievers, I typically was not the best or brightest in the group, but I always took pride in the effort that I put forth to make the most out of my skills and abilities.

This striving was reinforced throughout my life as honorable and praiseworthy, but in all transparency, I usually felt like my hard work was not enough. And if my best work was not enough, then I also believed that I (as a person) was not enough.

That formula makes sense, right?

Unfortunately, I think far too many of us believe this lie as all our striving and effort can often leave us feeling more empty and of less value if we don’t meet our own or others’ expectations.

For me, it often felt like I was running on a treadmill a million miles an hour but never actually reaching my intended destination. You can hear more of my story on a previous episode of Intentional Leader with Cal here.

During my time in the church recovery program, the hardest step for me in the process was reaffirming and reaccepting the grace that was already given to me through Jesus Christ.

In Christianity, grace is defined as the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings. In short, it’s a gift of unconditional love and acceptance given by God in exchange for no work on our end.

Now, that is a formula that just doesn’t make sense in the world we live in today. But I need to affirm this truth to myself…daily. Or, I will work myself to death for all the wrong reasons.

Over the course of a year in the program, I was able to take the necessary time to process what this crazy, yet rejuvenating, word of grace meant in order to move forward in my life as I let out many long and deep breaths of exhausted air.

Whether you are a Christian or not, here’s the deal. You’re going to become fatigued at some point by all of your striving. In the long term, It’s not going to end up giving you the return on investment that you are hoping for if you are not able to accept who you are, as you are, to the God of the universe – unique, exceptional, and enough.

So, the sooner that we are able to surrender our perceived inadequacies and shortcomings, the quicker we can go about enjoying the beautiful blessings in our lives that cannot be taken for granted.

My daughter Grace and me

4.        There is SO much to be thankful for.

You are alive. I want you to just sit on that thought right now. There is no one else exactly like you on this planet. If you live in the Western world, then you’re most likely in the top 1% of the 7.7 billion people on this earth in terms of material resources and access to overall abundance.

I don’t mention these things to shame you. I just want to remind us of the unique opportunity that we have to live our lives with intention and gratitude.

Throughout my time in the church recovery program, I realized that I was fixated on the things, traits, and circumstances that I didn’t have instead of focusing on all the incredible blessings that were right in front of me. Here are some areas that I realized I was starting to take for granted, so I started intentionally focusing on the depth of meaning behind each of them to me.

Good Health – I can walk and run and jump and move. My body does not hurt. Praise God!

Beautiful Family – I have an absolutely INCREDIBLE (and stunning!) wife and two GORGEOUS girls that I get to come home to each day.

Free Country – I can write and post this article with no fear of legal reprimand. The same action may not be true if I lived in some other countries.

Roof over my head and Food in my belly – As much as I enjoyed my time in the Army, man…am I thankful for air conditioning, heat, and plumbing. Also, my belly is blessed beyond measure by my wife’s cooking!

People that care about me – I know I can reach out and call specific family and friends at any time, and if needed, they would be there for me at a moment’s notice. What a blessing.

You may or may not have all those specific things in your life, but I know that if you really reflected on what you do have, the list would grow exponentially as time passed. With Thanksgiving approaching, let’s be intentional about maintaining an attitude of gratitude every single day, instead of every so often, or even on just one holiday out of the year.

Another practice that one of the leaders of the church recovery program encouraged our group to do was count our wins…daily. I’m talking about anything that stood out to us as a victory…however big or small or silly as it may seem.

For me, this included things like a solid workout, speaking up in a meeting about something I was passionate about, having a great conversation with a coworker, or my daughter telling me that she loved me. I used an app on my phone to track these wins daily and would review them at the end of the day to remind myself of the progress I was making in different areas of my life.

As I consistently reflected on these blessings and wins during my recovery program, I began to realize the futility of focusing on my imperfections and unknown comparisons. I have been given a unique life, and I want to climb my own mountain while appreciating and leveraging my distinct privileges and opportunities to make my life really count in the grand scheme of things.

5.       Point your perspective and embrace your journey.

I realize that my take-aways are nothing new or groundbreaking from what you’ve most likely heard at some point in your life. These key points all seem simple and self-explanatory on the surface. However, the meaning is found in actually deciding to take action by making small, and often very difficult, incremental steps towards progress in living a more joyful and peaceful life.

After completing the program and transitioning into a new season of my life, I know that many tough days lie ahead. Whether it’s a job loss, death in the family, or even another pandemic, we all know that in this world we will have trouble.

But if we are able to point our perspective and mindset on life-giving thoughts, with the help and assistance of others, we will be able to embrace the beautiful (and messy) journey of life as we take one small step at a time.

As I mentioned in the beginning, this year-long church recovery program did not “fix” me. However, as I surrendered my situation to God, along with the other men beside me week after week, my heart and soul slowly became regenerated. Pain and brokenness, while very real and heartbreaking in the moment, can be redeemed and even help lift us to new heights if we allow them to.

Looking back on my job loss, I’m truly grateful that it was part of God’s plan and an indicator for me to seek help, so that I could uncover deeper layers that needed to be addressed in my inner being within the context of authentic community. 

Throughout the process, I was able to accept that God’s grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in all my weaknesses. So, I will go ahead and boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

I will close with my introduction that I would recite each Monday night in my church recovery group:

“My name is Ryan, and I have a new life in Christ. I struggle with insecurity, pride, and comparison.”

And to God be ALL the glory.

4 Questions to Help Kick-Start Recovery

Do you or someone else need to take the first step in seeking out help? If so, consider your resources and make the call, send the text, or write the email to get started.

Who is somebody in your life that you’re interested in getting to know on a deeper level? Take the initiative and reach out to them and set up coffee or lunch.

In what area of your life can you give yourself more grace?

What is a tangible way that you can foster an attitude of gratitude? For example - capturing your daily wins, keeping a gratitude journal, or intentionally sharing your thankfulness towards someone or something

Let’s embrace the journey and make it count!!

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Ryan Brence is passionate about intentionally growing in his faith, relationships, and personal & professional knowledge. As a coach's son, Ryan grew up playing sports in Texas which eventually led him to play football at the United States Military Academy at West Point. 

In the US Army, Ryan graduated from Airborne and Ranger School and served over eight years as an air defense artillery and civil affairs officer both at home and abroad. 

After transitioning into the civilian sector, Ryan has worked in several roles spanning from sales and business development to operations and account management. He currently lives in Dallas, TX with his wife and two daughters and enjoys working out, reading, writing, and watching his favorite sports teams - Go Cowboys and Beat Navy!

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One Mindset Shift for Success

By: Tim Janes

Last week, as my wife and I sat down to dinner, we began our usual after-work chat. This time was different, though - she was visibly excited. She started, “I have to tell you about this resilient little girl that I treated today.” As a pediatric physical therapist, my wife works with kids who are trying to meet physical goals to improve their function. Some make quick progress in their goals, while some take many sessions and long hours of treatment. What’s the difference between them? 

My wife continued: “She was walking on the balance beam, trying to get from one end to the other without falling. She looked fearful and hesitant because this was not an easy task for her. After several attempts, she fell so abruptly she instantly started crying. She was embarrassed, and defeated. After she wiped off her tears she looked up at me with an unusual expression. I said, ‘Do you want to stop? We can do something easier.’ She said, ‘No, I want to finish, I can do this.’ Not only was I surprised, I was impressed. We trudged on. In two more attempts she walked across the whole beam without falling and we celebrated. I thought to myself: wow, she just changed her mindset and met her goal!”

Promotion vs. Prevention Mindsets

What if the biggest obstacle standing in the way of us achieving our goals is our mindset?

Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?

• I don’t want to go to the gym today.

• I don’t want to cook tonight.

• I don’t want to have that difficult conversation.

For me, personally, those are all regular thoughts that I have. The thoughts are not inherently good nor bad, but the resulting actions often do not align with my values. The actions derived from the above thoughts usually become:

• Skipping a workout, which is a missed opportunity to make my body stronger.

• Eating a meal out, instead of healthy, home-cooked food.

• Avoiding a conversation that could have led to growth or connection for me, the other individual, or my team.

Perhaps the simplest change that we can make in order to better align our actions with our values is to change our mindset. Just because it’s simple, doesn’t mean it’s easy. With that in mind, I ask you:

What DO you want?

For me, the answer to that question in relation to the thoughts above are:

• I want a stronger, healthier body.

• I want to feed my body healthy food, because I want to nourish it.

• I want to create deeper connections with others, and I want to foster growth within myself and those around me.

It’s a subtle difference, but do you see what this change does? It’s a positive view on the things that we face every day. Instead of avoiding or trying not to lose, we can face things head on and try to win. The former leads to lack of intentionality, passion, and purpose. The latter leads to intentional action, ignited passion, and fulfilled purpose. 

Our mindsets are the foundation from which we operate. This specific one is called a promotion mindset – the opposite being a prevention mindset. A promotion mindset determines our direction of travel – are we actively moving toward fulfillment (promotion), or are we passively moving away from challenge (prevention)? The sooner we learn to actively move toward passion, purpose, fulfillment, connection, or love, the sooner we can overcome friction and achieve our goals.

For the little girl in our story from the beginning, this meant focusing on completing her task to meet her goal, instead of focusing on preventing failure. She could have easily chosen to stop - it’s not fun for any of us when we fall off the proverbial balance beam over and over. Instead, she intentionally chose to pursue success.

Recap & Application

Before we wrap up, let’s recap those thoughts and corresponding actions:

Changing our mindsets is not easy - we have often carried them for years. As with all change, the first step is awareness. So, to aid in the process, here are some questions to ask yourself to see whether you are using a promotion mindset:

• Am I being purpose-focused (promotion), or comfort-focused (prevention)?

• Am I actively seeking to win (promotion), or seeking to simply not lose (prevention)?

• Am I empowering individuals’ decisions and creativity (promotion), or demanding conformity (prevention)?

If you find yourself gripped by a prevention mindset (as I often do), how can you cultivate a promotion mindset? What can you do to reframe your “I don’t want to’s…” into “I want to’s”?

If you want more information on the promotion mindset, or if you want to learn about other positive mindsets, I suggest you pick up Success Mindsets by Ryan Gottfredson. That book is a great place to start, but it’s up to you to choose the mindsets from which you operate.

Success Mindsets: Your Keys to Unlocking Greater Success in Your Life, Work, & Leadership

By Ryan Gottfredson

For several of our podcast episodes where we explore mindsets, check out Cal’s conversation with Ryan Gottfredson or Jon Gordon.

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Tim is a young professional whose life mission is to create supportive communities, so that others may thrive. He is the Process Manager for an HVAC distributor, where he has worked since he graduated from The University of Scranton in 2015.

With a bachelors in Operations Management and a minor in Philosophy, Tim spends his time critically thinking about optimizing people and processes. He strongly believes that each person has the power within them to positively affect the world, and that the role of a leader is to help their people harness that power.

Tim subscribes to the ideals of Servant Leadership, more specifically in connection with Jesuit/Ignatian ideals of care for the whole person, service of others, and striving for the "more." Tim lives in New Jersey with his fiancee, and he has a passion for soccer, photography, and personal development.

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