Intentional Letter: Results vs. Relationships

March 23, 2025 by Cal Walters

An idea (Relationship Management)

As a leader of a team or organization, is it possible to get results and take care of people?

I think so. I also think this is both the challenge of leadership and the essence leadership: to create a culture of healthy relationships and to get results for the organization.

But how does one accomplish this?

Books have been written on this topic, but I think this is where we get to the fourth skill of emotional intelligence: relationship management.

As a review, the four skills of emotional intelligence are: (1) self-awareness, (2) self-management, (3) social awareness (empathy), and (4) relationship management.

Relationship management is where we bring all the other three skills together.

I have found that the best leaders get results and maintain great relationships by focusing on four key areas:

Clarity
High Standards
High Support
High Belief

First, they create a culture of macro and micro clarity. Everyone on the team understands the vision, and the leader fights to ensure people know why the organization exists, what is important right now (and what is not important), and who is supposed to do what. They create, communicate, and reinforce clarity on their team. Clear is kind.

Second, they make it clear to the team that the standard of performance is excellence. This is because they understand the mission is too important not to pursue excellence. And top performers want to feel like they are engaged in a worthy cause where excellence is expected. This means leaders have to be willing to have uncomfortable conversations for the good of the organization.

Third, as their team embarks on this mission with excellence, they give their team the training, resources, and attention that is needed to accomplish it. This is high support. Organizations that have high standards without high support feel too demanding and even cruel. Organizations with high support but low standards don't get results and good people will leave because they actually (it's a bit counterintuitive) want to be pushed towards excellence. Great people want to feel like they are part of something great.

Finally, the best leaders communicate a deep belief in the the success of their people and the organization. This is what Jim Collins talks about in Good to Great when he refers to the Stockdale Paradox, named after Admiral James Stockdale, a high ranking US military officer who was a prisoner of war during the Vietnam War. Stockdale was tortured more than 20 times and had no certainty of when he would be released, but he was able to balance realism with optimism. He was able to confront the most brutal facts of his current reality without ever losing faith that he would ultimately prevail. The best leaders do this for themselves, their people, and their organization.

So if you want to get results and have healthy relationships, ask yourself whether you're doing those four things:

Clarity. Are you creating, communicating, and reinforcing clarity?
High Standards. Are you holding yourself and others to high standards of excellence?
High Support. Are you giving your team the support they need? This often looks like training, resources, and removing barriers.
High Belief. Are you believing -- and communicating a belief -- that you and your team will succeed?

P.S. All of this is making you a more emotionally intelligent person and leader.

Also, if you'd like to increase your self-awareness and clarity as we enter 2025, check out my Discover Your Core Values Mini Course. I've now had over 150 students go through the course. Taylor said it was a "game-changer." John said he "feels more confident showing up in an intentional way with his family." And Richie said it was a "transformative experience." Learn more here.

A question

We live in a world that is overloaded with busyness, information, and things we "must" do. What is one thing that should be on your "Not-To-Do" List in 2025?

A quote and resource

"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe."

-- Abraham Lincoln

Listen: Repeat Yourself

The Mission

I am on a mission to help thousands of leaders gain clarity, courage, community, and consistency in their lives. Thank you for joining me on this journey!

I'm rooting for you,

Cal

➡️ When you're ready, I can help you gain more joy and deep clarity with my Core Values Mini Course. It has helped over 150 leaders live a truly intentional life. Join here 🎯

Intentional Leader

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Intentional Letter: Slow and Small

March 23, 2025 by Cal Walters

An idea (empathy)

“Do you want to go for a walk with me, daddy?”

My two-year old son Teddy loves to ask this question, and I love to energetically say, "Yes!"

I love our walks. They are very simple. No real agenda. Just going for a slow walk with each other around our little neighborhood. We both get excited to be together.

And I've noticed something special happens on our walks.

The world slows down a bit. And I notice things. Small things.

I notice the leaves changing colors. I notice the maple trees and the Japanese maples (my favorite). I notice the little dinosaurs and pirate ship my sweet neighbor sets out for my son to play with on our walks. I notice Teddy skipping with excitement to be outside and free (an image I will cherish forever). I feel my soul start to catch up to my body that has been running 100 mph in what seems like 10 different directions.

I'm not in a hurry. And it's beautiful to all of a sudden appreciate all the little things that were there, I just wasn't giving them my attention.

In The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, pastor and author John Mark Comer talks about the practice of "slowing." Before reading the book, I had never heard of this practice, but I want more of it.

He makes the case in the book that it is impossible to be in a hurry and be spiritually healthy.

From a leadership perspective, I would argue it's impossible to be in a hurry and practice empathy--the third skill to develop in emotional intelligence.

My worst moments in life and leadership often come when I'm rushed and hurried. Someone walks into my office and needs to talk, and instead of stepping away from my email to listen (or asking if we can connect in a few minutes so I can give them my full attention), I try to multitask by "listening" to them and finishing up my email.

(P.S. Those that think they are the best at multitasking are actually the worst)

Back to the practice of "slowing." Slowing really is a practice or a discipline. In other words, if you struggle with being in a hurry, you can take small steps to slow down your body and cultivate an awareness of people. When we do this, we start to build our empathy muscle.

Here are a few tips that John Mark gives in the book:

Come to a full stop at stop signs (Yeah I know . . . crazy)
Drive the speed limit :)
Walk more slowly
Eat more slowly (Apparently we're supposed to chew around 30 times per bite)
Take a break and get outside for a (slow) walk
Get outside, find something small, examine it, and appreciate it (a leaf, a tree, a bird)

When we slow down, we cultivate an ability to notice the small things. A coworker's smile. A team member that seems off.

When we slow down, we have more space to be curious. We ask the question . . . and then the follow up question.

This builds awareness, which builds connection and better, more informed decision making.

As we enter this holiday season, let's make an attempt to practice slowing.

And in the slowing, we might start noticing.

And maybe we will discover that the small things really are the big things.

Let me end with this quote from Arthur Brooks's book From Strength to Strength: "Satisfaction comes not from chasing bigger and bigger things, but paying attention to smaller and smaller things."

P.S. All of this is making you a more emotionally intelligent person and leader.

A question

What is one new (but slightly scary) thing you can start doing in 2025 that you have yet to try? What if you started small?

A quote and resource

"Gratitude isn't just something you have, it's something you learn and develop. It's a life skill. You can grow your capacity for gratefulness. You can cultivate your ability to pause, to look around, to be surprised and delighted by the world around you. When you slow down, you can better honor and feel the gift of each moment and the opportunity that comes with it. Life is a gift. And it is for you."

-- Kobi Yamada in Feeling Grateful (a book my daughter shared with me)

The Mission

I am on a mission to help thousands of leaders gain clarity, courage, community, and consistency in their lives. Thank you for joining me on this journey!

I'm rooting for you,

Cal

➡️ When you're ready, I can help you gain more joy and deep clarity with my Core Values Mini Course. It has helped over 150 leaders live a truly intentional life. Join here 🎯

Intentional Leader

Follow the Intentional Leader podcast: Apple or Spotify

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Intentional Letter: Nice vs. Kind

March 23, 2025 by Cal Walters

An idea (Self-Management)

My boss said something to me the other day that I can't stop thinking about.

He said: "Emotional intelligence is the language of leadership."

For context, he and I teach leadership in the Army to a wide range of audiences (work that is separate from what I do here at Intentional Leader), so we are constantly having conversations about the best way to educate, train, and prepare leaders for the demands of leadership.

I manage the emotional intelligence portfolio, so I have the opportunity to teach emotional intelligence almost every week to different audiences with varying degrees of formal leadership experience. I've had the opportunity to go deep on emotional intelligence books and academic articles, and the more I study it the more I tend to agree with my boss's statement.

Emotional intelligence is the language of leadership.

It's also the language of high performance.

In other words, if you want to grow as a leader and you don't know what to do, learn about emotional intelligence.

In today's Intentional Letter, I want to share one of my favorite emotional intelligence concepts. But first a few background thoughts to set the stage.

1. Our IQ (our ability to learn and retain knowledge) is not a great predictor of our emotional intelligence. This is how they first discovered emotional intelligence. Individuals with average IQs were outperforming people with high IQs, and researchers were trying to understand how this is possible. Emotional intelligence helped explain this anomaly in high performance.

2. Our personality is not a great predictor of our emotional intelligence. Our personality is largely a product of our preferences (which don't change that much over the course of our life), so this doesn't determine how strong we will be in emotional intelligence. An introvert and an extrovert can both have really high emotional intelligence (if they put in the work).

3. Through neuroplasticity, we can all grow in emotional intelligence if we work at it. This is great news. Emotional intelligence skills (and yes they are skills!) lead to incredible outcomes at home, at work, and in leadership, and they can be learned with practice and effort.

4. There are four key skills to focus on in emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. In the Intentional Letter, we will go deeper on many of these in the future.

Nice vs. Kind

For today, let's talk about a key skill within self-management, and that's the difference between being nice and being kind. We want to avoid just being nice, and we want to aim to be kind. So what's the difference?

Here is a simple breakdown.

Nice:

The focus is ultimately on me and being liked.
I don't want to make things worse.
I avoid conflict and discomfort.
I tell you what makes you happy.
This is often superficial.

Kind:

My focus is on the other person and the organization/team.
I seek to make things better.
I engage in necessary conflict.
I tell you what you need to hear.
This requires effort and often courage.
This allows connection.

As a recovering people pleaser, I can tell you that I tend towards being "nice," but I've learned how unproductive that can be for the health of an organization. This concept falls under the skill of self-management because being kind is often not our default. We have to choose our approach with our pre-frontal cortex and not respond with the emotional part of our brain (the limbic system).

Choose your deepest desire (core values) over your strongest desire (safety and self-preservation).

Here is a good way to judge whether you're being nice or kind.

Ask: Am I focused on myself? This means you're likely being nice.

Ask: Am I focused on the other person or the team? This means you're likely being kind.

A question

Is there a third option that you have not considered?

A quote and resource

"Character is your capacity to prioritize your values over your instincts.”

— Adam Grant in Hidden Potential

From Strength to Strength

The Mission

I am on a mission to help thousands of leaders gain clarity, courage, community, and consistency in their lives. Thank you for joining me on this journey!

I'm rooting for you,

Cal

➡️ When you're ready, I can help you gain more joy and deep clarity with my Core Values Mini Course. It has helped over 150 leaders live a truly intentional life. Join here 🎯

Intentional Leader

Follow the Intentional Leader podcast: Apple or Spotify

Watch episodes: YouTube

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Intentional Letter: Fixed Mindset Triggers

March 23, 2025 by Cal Walters

**An idea (A real growth mindset)**

The more I study -- and help teach students -- about the concept of having a growth mindset (vs. a fixed mindset), I'm amazed by the power of this simple shift in thinking.

After doing a deep dive on the topic, I actually think about it all the time.

I started studying growth mindset to teach it to others, but I've been the biggest beneficiary. I thought I had a growth mindset, but I've learned two important lessons:

None of us have a purely growth mindset; and
My default mindset in many areas is more fixed than growth.

So what is a growth mindset? This concept comes from Dr. Carol Dweck's work at Stanford, and it's the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts, your strategies, and help from others. With a growth mindset, you believe the hand you're dealt is just your starting point for development.

Conversely, a fixed mindset is a belief that your qualities are largely carved in stone.

What I find fascinating is how these mindsets show up in the small and large moments of life.

You have a big presentation coming up. Is this an opportunity to prove how smart you are? That's a fixed mindset approach. Or is this an opportunity to grow and learn more about yourself? That's a growth mindset.

When we adopt a fixed mindset in an area or moment in life:

we have a consuming goal to always look smart;
we avoid challenges that might expose us;
we're less likely to ask questions or seek help (because this would prove to the world we don't know it all!);
we tend to feel threatened by the success of others;
we're easily defensive when faced with criticism; or
we're slow to rebound from challenges and setbacks.

One way to begin to cultivate more of a growth mindset (and help people on your team do the same) is to closely monitor and self-assess how you respond to what Carol Dweck calls our "fixed mindset triggers."

There are four main ones:

Evaluations;
High effort challenges;
Critical feedback; and
The success of others

As I've examined my own fixed mindset triggers, I've noticed evaluations or moments where I'm giving my very best effort in a public way tend to trigger a fixed mindset in me. Being aware of this has helped me shift my mindset before the big moment to approach it as a growth opportunity instead of a moment to "prove" myself. For me, it's been a subtle but powerful shift.

What are your fixed mindset triggers? See below for an assessment by Dr. Mary Murphy.

P.S. All of this is making you a more emotionally intelligent person and leader. Stay tuned for future Intentional Letters. I have a lot more to share about emotional intelligence and mindsets.

A question

What is the gap between what you said and what others heard?

A quote and resource

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen, again and again, fear must be overcome again and again.”

— Abraham Maslow

Mindset Triggers Assessment

The Mission

I am on a mission to help thousands of leaders gain clarity, courage, community, and consistency in their lives. Thank you for joining me on this journey!

I'm rooting for you,

Cal

➡️ When you're ready, I can help you gain more joy and deep clarity with my Core Values Mini Course. It has helped over 150 leaders live a truly intentional life. Join here 🎯

Intentional Leader

Follow the Intentional Leader podcast: Apple or Spotify

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Intentional Letter: External Self-Awareness

March 23, 2025 by Cal Walters

An idea (external self-awareness)

In last week's Intentional Letter, I discussed the importance of self-awareness and how self-awareness has two types: internal and external. I offered a few tips to increase internal self-awareness, so this week let's talk increasing our external self-awareness.

We all have blind spots, and the problem with blind spots is we can't see our own blind spots. So how do we get an accurate picture of what it's like to be on the other side of us?

One default answer is to "seek feedback." But how's that working out for you? If you're someone in any position of authority, it can be hard to get people to give you honest feedback. It's hard even if you're not in a high position.

There's something about the word "feedback" that makes it tough to give.

In his great book Hidden Potential, Adam Grant says that instead of asking people for feedback, we should ask for advice.

It's a subtle -- yet powerful -- shift.

Feedback looks at what happened in the past, while advice is focused on how we can do better in the future.

If I say, "Hey Joe, can you give me some advice for how I can make this presentation better for next time?" Joe likely feels like he is now partnering with me towards something in the future, not critiquing a presentation I already gave that I can't go back and change.

Feedback feels more personal and likely to cause pain to the recipient.

Advice feels like we're partnering together and focused on the future.

So next time you want to increase your external self-awareness (and want feedback), ask for advice and see what happens. Perhaps you'll fill in some blind spots.

P.S. All of this is making you a more emotionally intelligent person and leader.

A question

Imagine it's your 80th birthday party and your family and best friends are gathered together to share stories about how you have impacted their lives. What would you want them to say about you? (Get as specific as possible)

A quote and resource

"Follow effective actions with quiet reflection. From quiet reflection will come even more effective action."

—Peter Drucker

The Mission

I am on a mission to help thousands of leaders gain clarity, courage, community, and consistency in their lives. Thank you for joining me on this journey!

I'm rooting for you,

Cal

➡️ When you're ready, I can help you gain more joy and deep clarity with my Core Values Mini Course. It has helped over 150 leaders live a truly intentional life. Join here 🎯

Intentional Leader

Follow the Intentional Leader podcast: Apple or Spotify

Watch episodes: YouTube

Join the Patreon Team

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Intentional Letter: Self-Awareness

March 23, 2025 by Cal Walters

An idea (self-awareness)

Studies show that the best leaders are self-aware leaders, but how do you become more self-aware? It's important to know that there are two types of self-awareness: internal and external. For both, we will always have imperfect information.

Today, I want to offer two simple ways to begin increasing your internal self-awareness.

1. Commit to studying yourself. Zoom out and study yourself like a scientist. Try to pay special attention to the emotions you experience on a day to day basis. Don't treat the emotions as good or bad. Just study them and become more away of the feelings you experience most often. Pay particular attention to the strongest emotions you experience and how you tend to react to these emotions. Again, no judgment. Just try to examine your feelings and your default reactions.

2. Keep a simple journal. I teach regularly about this topic, and I find most people don't have a practice of journaling. I've journaled for years. It's one of the first things I do each day, and I often record things I'm excited about and areas of stress and anxiety. I regularly go back to review my journals, and I notice that the things I was stressed about tend to work themselves out over time. This gives me a better perspective on my present moment, and it has helped me become more aware of my default stressors, which all tend to be okay in the end. With journaling, start small. Jot down a win for the day. Do this for 30 days and before you know it you've developed this simple -- yet powerful -- practice.

P.S. All of this is making you a more emotionally intelligent person and leader.

A question

What is it like to be on the other side of your leadership (at home, at work, and in your community)?

A quote and resource

"Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful." John Wooden

More John Wooden

The Mission

I am on a mission to help thousands of leaders gain clarity, courage, community, and consistency in their lives. Thank you for joining me on this journey!

I'm rooting for you,

Cal

➡️ When you're ready, I can help you gain more joy and deep clarity with my Core Values Mini Course. It has helped over 150 leaders live a truly intentional life. Join here 🎯

Intentional Leader

Follow the Intentional Leader podcast: Apple or Spotify

Watch episodes: YouTube

Join the Patreon Team

Did someone forward you this email? Subscribe here.

Intentional Letter: Know Thyself

March 23, 2025 by Cal Walters

An idea (self-reflection)

Week 3 of 3: My Top 3 Habits for Personal Leadership

When I was in high school, I started journaling.

A few friends inspired me to start.

They used a journal to write down what they were reading, to reflect, and even to capture prayers.

Today, I journal almost every day.

I typically do it in the morning, and I write down what I'm excited about, what I'm learning, what I'm worried about, and what I'm reading.

I use a simple Moleskin notebook, and each entry is less than a full page (sometimes I go longer on the weekends).

I often use bullet points and shorthand to make it easier (I have terrible handwriting).

And one of my favorite things to do -- whenever I finish a notebook and during my Year-End Review -- is sit down with a cup of coffee and review my journal.

It's always so fun, and I learn SO much about my life!

I see patterns and people that stand out.

I am filled with gratitude to see the relationships that form, the conversations that impact, and the many things I was worried about that ultimately worked out.

Doing this journaling and reflecting gives me incredible insights for living in the present.

And journaling has been shown to increase our self-awareness, one of the key drivers in developing emotional intelligence.

Journaling isn't about writing a novel. It's not about being a "writer" at all.

It's about taking a few minutes to slow down, process your thoughts, and actually hear yourself think.

And here's the crazy part: research shows that leaders who develop this kind of self-awareness:

make better decisions,
lead with more confidence, and
build stronger teams.

Self-Awareness for Leaders

Leadership isn’t just about making decisions—it’s about making the right decisions or quickly adjusting when we are off track.

And that starts with self-awareness.

Studies show that self-aware leaders are more effective, adaptable, and emotionally intelligent.

Yet, according to research by organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich, 95% of people think they’re self-aware, but only 10–15% actually are.

That’s a huge gap.

The good news? Journaling helps to close that gap.

When you reflect on your experiences—especially the tough ones—you start to recognize patterns, spot blind spots, and make adjustments before they become full-blown problems.

How Journaling Increases Emotional Intelligence

Journaling strengthens emotional intelligence in several ways:

Enhances Self-Awareness – Writing about your thoughts and emotions helps you identify patterns, triggers, and blind spots. This builds our internal self-awareness. There are often things we don't know about ourselves until we stop, think, and write. It's weird that effort is required to know ourselves, but this is just how the human brain works.
Regulates Emotions – Processing frustrations, anxieties, and setbacks on paper helps you manage emotions more effectively rather than reacting impulsively. Simply naming the emotion is an important step in being able to self-manage (the second skill in emotional intelligence).
Improves Decision-Making – Journaling provides clarity, allowing you to think through challenges and make more intentional decisions.
Strengthens Empathy – Reflecting on interactions with others helps you understand different perspectives and cultivate empathy in leadership. Leadership is hard because it requires so much of our emotional energy. To truly put ourselves in the shoes of another human takes work, and journaling can help.

How to Start a Leadership Journal (Even If You Think You’re Not a Writer)

You don’t need to be a writer to journal. The key is consistency, not perfection. Here are some simple ways to start:

Choose a Medium That Works for You
- Traditional notebook (my choice!)
- The Five Minute Journal - this is a cool journal that provides daily prompts
- The Five Year Journal - In this journal, you simply write one line a day, but each page has five years of entries for the same day. This can be a cool way to look back to what you were focused on the same day for several years.
- Digital journaling apps (Day One, Evernote, Notion)
- Voice memos
Use Simple Prompts. If you don’t know where to start, try these:
- Beginning of day:
  - What am I grateful for?
  - What am I excited about today?
  - What am I stressed about today?
  - How do I want to show up today?
  - What are my top 3 most important priorities for today?
  - What would make today great?
  - Who do I want to intentionally spend time with today?
- End of day:
  - What did I learn today?
  - What's a small win I had today?
  - What is my top focus for tomorrow?
  - What’s one leadership challenge I faced today? How did I handle it?
  - What emotions did I experience today, and what triggered them?
  - What feedback have I received recently, and how can I grow from it?
Keep It Short and Unfiltered
- Don’t worry about grammar or structure.
- Write for yourself, not for an audience.
- Even 5 minutes a day can make a difference.
Review and Reflect Periodically
- Look back at past entries to see growth and recurring patterns.
- Identify lessons learned and course-correct as needed.

Historical Leaders Who Journaled

Many of history’s greatest leaders were devoted journalers:

Marcus Aurelius – His Meditations was essentially a leadership journal, filled with reflections on discipline, virtue, and resilience.

Theodore Roosevelt – He chronicled his adventures, reflections on leadership, and personal challenges.

Winston Churchill – His journals and writings helped him sharpen his thinking and leadership during World War II.

Leonardo da Vinci – His notebooks were filled with sketches, ideas, and reflections that fueled his genius.

Maya Angelou – She kept journals throughout her life for reflection, healing, and leadership. She often spoke about the power of writing to process emotions, find wisdom, and inspire change.

Each of these leaders used journaling as a tool for wisdom, clarity, and self-mastery—something every leader today can benefit from.

Journaling isn't just a habit. It's a leadership tool.

Start Today. Your Future Self Will Thank You.

If you’re already journaling, keep going. If you’ve never tried, start small. Pick up a notebook, open a doc, or hit record on a voice memo. Just start.

A year from now, you’ll look back and realize how much clarity, confidence, and wisdom you’ve gained.

Are you in?

This wraps up my top 3 personal habits for leadership. Reply to this email and let me know which one you think is most important, or which one you plan to start. I'd love to hear from you! Below is the full list:

Habit #1: Getting Up Early
Habit #2: Having a Weekly Day of Rest (Sabbath)
Habit #3: Journaling

A question

What core values guide your leadership decisions, and how consistently do you uphold them?

A quote and resource

"The world will ask you who you are, and if you don't know, the world will tell you."

—Carl Jung

The Mission

I am on a mission to help thousands of leaders gain clarity, courage, community, and consistency in their lives. Thank you for joining me on this journey!

I'm rooting for you,

Cal

➡️ When you're ready, I can help you gain more joy and deep clarity with my Core Values Mini Course. It has helped over 150 leaders live a truly intentional life. Join here 🎯