An idea (Self-Management)

My boss said something to me the other day that I can't stop thinking about.

He said: "Emotional intelligence is the language of leadership."

For context, he and I teach leadership in the Army to a wide range of audiences (work that is separate from what I do here at Intentional Leader), so we are constantly having conversations about the best way to educate, train, and prepare leaders for the demands of leadership.

I manage the emotional intelligence portfolio, so I have the opportunity to teach emotional intelligence almost every week to different audiences with varying degrees of formal leadership experience. I've had the opportunity to go deep on emotional intelligence books and academic articles, and the more I study it the more I tend to agree with my boss's statement.

Emotional intelligence is the language of leadership.

It's also the language of high performance.

In other words, if you want to grow as a leader and you don't know what to do, learn about emotional intelligence.

In today's Intentional Letter, I want to share one of my favorite emotional intelligence concepts. But first a few background thoughts to set the stage.

1. Our IQ (our ability to learn and retain knowledge) is not a great predictor of our emotional intelligence. This is how they first discovered emotional intelligence. Individuals with average IQs were outperforming people with high IQs, and researchers were trying to understand how this is possible. Emotional intelligence helped explain this anomaly in high performance.

2. Our personality is not a great predictor of our emotional intelligence. Our personality is largely a product of our preferences (which don't change that much over the course of our life), so this doesn't determine how strong we will be in emotional intelligence. An introvert and an extrovert can both have really high emotional intelligence (if they put in the work).

3. Through neuroplasticity, we can all grow in emotional intelligence if we work at it. This is great news. Emotional intelligence skills (and yes they are skills!) lead to incredible outcomes at home, at work, and in leadership, and they can be learned with practice and effort.

4. There are four key skills to focus on in emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. In the Intentional Letter, we will go deeper on many of these in the future.

Nice vs. Kind

For today, let's talk about a key skill within self-management, and that's the difference between being nice and being kind. We want to avoid just being nice, and we want to aim to be kind. So what's the difference?

Here is a simple breakdown.

Nice:

The focus is ultimately on me and being liked.
I don't want to make things worse.
I avoid conflict and discomfort.
I tell you what makes you happy.
This is often superficial.

Kind:

My focus is on the other person and the organization/team.
I seek to make things better.
I engage in necessary conflict.
I tell you what you need to hear.
This requires effort and often courage.
This allows connection.

As a recovering people pleaser, I can tell you that I tend towards being "nice," but I've learned how unproductive that can be for the health of an organization. This concept falls under the skill of self-management because being kind is often not our default. We have to choose our approach with our pre-frontal cortex and not respond with the emotional part of our brain (the limbic system).

Choose your deepest desire (core values) over your strongest desire (safety and self-preservation).

Here is a good way to judge whether you're being nice or kind.

Ask: Am I focused on myself? This means you're likely being nice.

Ask: Am I focused on the other person or the team? This means you're likely being kind.

A question

Is there a third option that you have not considered?

A quote and resource

"Character is your capacity to prioritize your values over your instincts.”

— Adam Grant in Hidden Potential

From Strength to Strength

The Mission

I am on a mission to help thousands of leaders gain clarity, courage, community, and consistency in their lives. Thank you for joining me on this journey!

I'm rooting for you,

Cal

➡️ When you're ready, I can help you gain more joy and deep clarity with my Core Values Mini Course. It has helped over 150 leaders live a truly intentional life. Join here 🎯

Intentional Letter: Nice vs. Kind