13 Reasons You're Not Reaching Your Goals
By: Wes Cochrane
One of the most frustrating sensations in life has got to be the disappointment you feel when you have admirable goals and just don’t achieve them. You want to start exercising again, or build the habit of reading, or kill your Pavlovian phone addiction, or play more games with your children, or set aside time to work on your side endeavors, or purposefully invest in your spouse and call that babysitter and book dinner reservations.
Then you don’t.
Or, you start, but the effort fizzles out. You might even realize some modest success in one area, but quickly find that something else suffers (e.g., “I started driving my kids to school, but now I’m not exercising. Great...”).
Then, it’s right back to the status quo ante; nothing’s changed.
If anything, you’re less confident in your ability to ever change your life, or attitude, or fill-in-the-blank. Your dreams of living intentionally and achieving your goal (or goals) go dormant until something or someone down the road inspires you to take action, only to re-experience the cycle above.
What is going on?
In short, you’re not living your life in a vacuum. There are forces, internally and externally, working against you and your goals. There are obstacles. Ditches. Landmines. Detours. If we’re not alert to this reality, then we will blindly suffer the consequences – a life where we never enjoy the harvest that comes from effectively laboring toward our goals.
Here’s the truth – some of the obstacles are indeed out of our control; but, the overwhelming majority are not.
That is what this post is about. If reading that rubs you the wrong way, or if you’re not interested in critically examining your life, your habits, and your thought patterns, then you may want to stop reading. My heart in this post was to confront, head on, the obstacles that keep me, and countless readers, from tasting success. I deliberately didn’t pull any punches.
For those of you willing to risk the growing pains, read on; and know that at Intentional Leader, we’re on this journey with you. No one is perfect.
1. You’re Afraid to Fail.
Our goals are either impossible or they have to be done perfectly. This, it turns out, is nonsense. Author Jon Acuff, in his book Start, notes that our inner fears are schizophrenic – they shout at us to NOT pursue our goal because it can’t be done. Then, in the next breath, our fears whisper that if we do pursue our dream, we need to do it perfectly from the outset. These two mutually exclusive extremes leave us paralyzed. The reality, according to Acuff, is that the only thing we can control is the starting line. We can take that first step toward our goals. We may not know how things will end up, but we control how and when we begin.
2. You’re focused only on the critics [or potential critics].
“What will people think?!” We give way too much power to other people – typically to people that don’t actually care about us. Man, I get it. We absolutely need to be coachable and receive feedback – it’s a huge part of being humble and actually embracing a growth mindset. We don’t want to move through life with sweeping blind spots. On the other hand, some people will just trash you or criticize you, and they simply don’t have your best interests at heart. We don’t go to the gym to exercise because strangers may ridicule us or look down on us for our pitiful effort. We don’t aim for the promotion or assignment at work because people may not think we’re qualified. We don’t start that business because people may think, “She’s no expert! Who is she to teach others?” We don’t pivot in our careers and pursue something exciting and different because, “what will people think?!” There is a 100% death rate on planet Earth, and life is too short to endlessly conform ourselves to the expectations of others (often to people whose opinions just do not carry much weight). Instead, cultivate a group of friends, family, colleagues, or mentors who know you well and are invested in your success, but who are also willing to provide you honest, perhaps difficult feedback. Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, calls this a “personal board of directors.”
3. Sheer Overwhelm.
This is an external obstacle for a lot of people. I don’t need to list the amount of difficulties in life (even modern 21st century life). Life is difficult. It always will be. This is especially the case when we’re facing a steep learning curve in a new job, or we’re a new parent battling with sleep deprivation, or we’re recovering from a cross-country move, or we’re facing the challenges of an ailing parent, or we’ve just lost a job, or we’re navigating our children’s teenage years. Sometimes we’re just exhausted – too spent to even focus on our goals. Revisiting Acuff’s book, Start, I love his idea of having a “central park.” Central Park is a massive greenspace in the heart of New York City that is an absolute treasure to its residents. One would think that having an enormous greenspace in the heart of America’s financial capital and one of the most important cities on Earth is a waste of valuable real estate. But, it’s not. The citizens of NYC are healthier and happier (at least the theory goes) due to the benefits that come from enjoying this slice of nature in the heart of their bustling city. We all need our own central park. If life is so busy and your calendar is so packed that you don’t have your own proverbial central park, something has to give. You’re not a robot.
4. You just aren’t willing to put in the work.
That is polite for: “you’re acting lazy.” Look, maybe you don’t actually care about your health. Maybe you don’t want to be in shape. Maybe you don’t want to have a nest egg in retirement that can fund your later years. Maybe you’re content to not advance in your company or organization. Maybe cultivating the habit of reading isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Maybe deepening your friendship and intimacy with your spouse isn’t all that critical. On the other hand, if these things are, in fact, important, why aren’t you doing them? A guest on the Intentional Leader podcast, Brigadier General Pat Work, has a great mantra when people lament a lack of time. He says, “busy doin’ what?” I don’t have the time to work out, I’m too busy… “Busy doin’ what?” I know it’s important, but I’m too busy to read. “Busy doin’ what?” I’m not preaching #hustle… I’m challenging you to actually audit your time. If you are frittering away time doing something pointless, then you are choosing that over your goals. Or, as I read recently in Ryan Holiday’s book, Courage is Calling, “Whatever you aren’t changing, you’re choosing.” Identify what you care about, roll up your sleeves, and be willing to put in the work.
5. You didn’t do your homework.
Sometimes we don’t count the cost of our goals, and our failure to plan bites us in the butt. In describing what it took to be his disciple, Jesus is quoted in the gospel of Luke saying:
For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand?
A lot of times our goals are really made up of subgoals. They have their own constituent parts – parts that we didn’t anticipate. When we realize that one goal is ten goals, that can push us right back to overwhelm and we throw in the towel. Don’t hurt success by not counting the cost and actually doing the homework up front.
6. You killed your motivation by sprinting right into the comparison trap.
Despite their legion of benefits, our smartphones are also poisonous. We walk around with poison in our back pockets and purses. If we’re honest with ourselves for three seconds, we will admit that no amount of time on social media ever really makes us feel better about ourselves. As we toss our finite amount of time in the trash by scrolling social media (including LinkedIn, which is like fancier, less guilt-inducing social media, but still unproductive) we inevitably start thinking how unqualified we are to do ______, or how much better he is than me at ________, or how we see that she accomplished ______ in half the time! The sad thing is that we can achieve some wonderful accomplishments in life, only to discount them in the blink of an eye when we compare them to someone else’s online. What prompted joy and gratitude a moment earlier is now a cause of embarrassment after comparing it to a friend or even a stranger.
7. You’re enslaved to your smartphone.
You’re trading your precious time for frivolity. You’re a dopamine addict, and your smartphone provides you with a steady buzz. Face it, that buzz is more enjoyable to you than accomplishing your goals. Recall the truism above, whatever you’re not changing, you’re choosing. If that’s the case, then a terrifying amount of us are choosing to – literally – play on our phones over putting in the time to realize our goals. I don’t know about you, but that pisses me off to think that I’m exchanging my limited time for some social media scrolling here, a youtube video there, a buzzfeed article there. That stuff adds up, and I’m not sure any of us want to look at the receipt.
8. You’re trying to run someone else’s race.
Ryan Holiday’s book, Ego is the Enemy, is one of my all-time favorites. He writes a sobering chapter called “What’s Important to You?”, in which he contrasts two of the Union Army’s celebrated Civil War heroes – Generals William Tecumseh Sherman and Ulysses S. Grant. Sherman, Holiday writes, went on to retire in New York City after his military service, despite many entreaties for him to run for public office. By all accounts, Holiday remarks, Sherman lived a contented life. He knew what was important to him. General Grant, on the other hand, pursued politics, despite having never displayed an ounce of interest in it. Elected president, he presided over two exhausting terms that were marked by scandal and controversy. This hero of the Civil War later left office and pursued a fortune in an investment scheme with a shady broker named Ferdinand Ward, who mismanaged the money and publicly bankrupted Grant. In his waning years, battling throat cancer, Grant apparently rushed to publish his memoirs in order to leave his family some financial means to live on…
Writing of his friend Grant, Sherman said that he “aimed to rival the millionaires, who would have given their all to have won any of his battles.”
Holiday’s reflections hit hard. “Grant had accomplished so much, but to him, it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t decide what was important – what actually mattered – to him. That’s how it seems to go: we’re never happy with what we have, we want what others have too. We want to have more than everyone else. We start out knowing what is important to us, but once we’ve achieved it, we lose sight of our priorities. Ego sways us, and can ruin us.”
In other words, we stop running our race and focus on running someone else’s.
9. Your “goal” isn’t really your “goal.”
Is what you’re working for really what you seek? You’re chasing more money, when you really want the freedom it buys. Thus, your goal isn’t riches, it’s more time. You chase accolade after accolade, grinding your spirit to dust in pursuit of success. You crave affirmation. You don’t actually care about the “success” – it never satisfies you anyway. In reality, you want to know you’re loved and approved of. You seek to be content. This understandable aim, which is often achieved through introspection, reflection, community with loving friends and family, and a practice of gratitude, matastasizes into an insatiable search for recognition. Stop. You don’t need to take action right now. You need to ponder the motivations of your heart and reflect on what you actually seek. You may need to open up to a friend or counselor and be transparent about how you feel. There is often a goal underneath the goal.
10. The status quo is comfortable.
You don’t reach your goals because secretly you are afraid of the cost. So you sabotage yourself or tell yourself you’re a victim of your circumstances. It is just easier to stay where you are – at least you are familiar with that. There is nuance here. This spirit of the status quo is not admirable. It’s not really a spirit of contentment (which is admirable). Despite your yearning for more or different, you don’t even dare to attempt it because it’s safe here, where you are. You’re like a ship in the harbor that never sets sail because the open seas are scary.
11. You don’t have anyone cheering you on.
We all need cheerleaders. Introvert or extravert, we need friends on our journeys. We need community. Is there anyone in your life encouraging you onward? This is different from Peter Klaven in the 2009 movie, “I Love you Man,” who overhears his fiancée lament his lack of friends to her bridesmaids, prompting Peter to privately remark, “I need to get some f**king friends.” Like the wisdom of Proverbs 27:17 notes, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man [or woman] sharpens another.” Who is sharpening you? Who is encouraging you to not give up? Who is reminding you that the challenge or difficulty is worth it?
12. You’ve stopped growing.
You’re not investing in yourself anymore. You haven’t read a book since college or grad school. You aren’t having powerful conversations in your life anymore. You aren’t learning a new skill. You’re coasting, which is to say you’re slowly dying. There is no neutral in life – we either move toward our goals and toward growth and maturity, or we drift away. Unlike your car, you can’t put yourself in park. What we read, watch, and listen to; who we talk with and interact with – these all shape us. These can all be sparks for us that prompt new, useful connections. Books, friends, and mentors can motivate and encourage us. They can pull us along, especially through difficult seasons of life.
13. You elevated intensity over consistency.
Every investing book will highlight the magic of compound interest. Many of these books unpack the scenario where Jennifer starts investing $100 a month in her Roth IRA at age 18. She does this until age 67, unfailingly, without ever increasing her investment. With a 10% rate of return over those 49 years, she’ll have over $1.5 Million. Matt, on the other hand, who spent every dime he earned before waking up to reality at age 35, starts investing. Matt will need to invest roughly $550 per month for the next 32 years to match the value of Jennifer’s investment. The simple lesson is consistency trumps intensity. The same goes with exercising. A little bit – just something – each day goes a long way to building fitness and improving health. That’s way more effective than doing nothing for years and then trying to overhaul your lifestyle at age 40. Often, the sudden surge in activity (i.e., the intensity) only leads to injury or burnout, leaving you further behind than you would have been had you just started small and been faithful. I could go on and on with examples where showing up, day after day, and putting in some honest work, beats uneven and sporadic blitzkrieg for a short period.
What now?
The first step in turning things around is being honest with yourself. Identify the problem. Only then can you begin to fashion a solution. And that is the fun part. It all starts with an accurate, brutally-honest self-assessment. For you journalers out there, write about it. For the outward processors (like me) grab a friend and break it all down. Either way, reflecting on where you want to go and what obstacles obstruct that path is a good use of your time.
Are any of these 13 success-robbing, goal-killing reasons at play in your life? Are there any others that you would add to the list? Leave a comment and let us know. We’re on a mission to study self-leadership and the obstacles that stand in its way. Be part of that conversation with us!
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Wes is passionate about leadership development and is a gifted speaker, coach, and teacher. Wes recently spent the last two years as a military prosecutor at the 82nd Airborne Division, where he was consistently praised for his advocacy skills by seasoned trial practitioners.
Wes is a graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point, the University of Richmond School of Law, and the US Army’s Ranger, Airborne, and Air Assault schools. Prior to attending law school, Wes served as an infantry officer in the US Army where he led a rifle platoon, served as the second in command of an infantry company, and deployed to Afghanistan. He is now a major in the Army and is attending the Graduate Course at the Judge Advocate General’s Legal Center and School in Charlottesville, VA.
Wes and his wife, Anne, have three children.
