The Power of Questions - Cultivate Curiosity to Live an Authentic Life
By: Ryan Brence
"What are ya thinkin’?"
Ever since I can remember, my dad has asked people this question to initiate conversation.
How do you even respond to that??
It makes you think about what you're actually thinking, so I'd often hear a wide variety of responses to that question - ranging from quick, confused answers ("Uhhh nothin") to long-winded stories that took on lives of their own.
I always thought it was a strange question for my dad to ask, but the more I reflected on it, I realized that it is truly a simple but powerful question.
Instead of "how are you?" or "what's going on?" this question opens up a whole new realm of possibility to discuss anything and everything that may be on one's mind. It requires a certain level of personal reflection and vulnerability to respond.
This got me thinkin' about the power of questions and how to apply them intentionally towards ourselves and others in pursuit of more reflection, growth, and opportunity for impact.
Questions for Ourselves
It's estimated that the average adult makes more than 35,000 decisions per day - that's astounding! With so many daily decisions, my immediate thought is how many of those choices are really questioned? Not to say that every decision needs deep reflection or thought, but what powerful questions could we be more intentional about asking ourselves that could lead to a greater sense of self-awareness, discovery, and potentially even change?
In his book The Personal MBA, Josh Kaufman discusses the "Five-Fold Why" technique to help you understand what you actually want. This process is meant to help uncover the root cause of what is driving your decisions. It is a very straightforward exercise, but that doesn't make it easy.
The technique calls for you to keep asking "why?" until you reach the foundation of simply just wanting "it" - whatever "it" is. The answers should reveal our actual intent and what really means the most to us (i.e. what we value) in a particular circumstance or decision. Let me share a personal example:
Why do I want a new car? Because I've had my car for a long time.
Why have I kept my car for a long time? Because it's done its job but now it's outdated.
Why am I tired of driving an outdated car? Because it doesn't have some of the newer features.
Why do I want newer features? Because I want my car to look cool and have a sweet sound system.
Why do I want my car to look cool and have a sweet sound system? I don't know…I just want it - or do I???
This is a real example that requires me to answer questions that would otherwise go unasked. However, after going through the exercise, it makes me rethink my own reasoning for wanting a new car. Of course it would be nice to have a new ride, but do I really need it…?? I came to the realization from this technique that the reason for wanting a new car requires a more immediate or pressing need for me to make that move. And that time is not now.
What are some of the bigger decisions or stances in your life that may need some reflective unpacking? Other examples may include your relationship status, career trajectory, goals, or even your position in religion, politics, or community service.
Ultimately, our decisions are often rooted in what we value. Inherently, we feel the tug on our hearts to believe or act one way or the other, but with so many factors competing for our focus and attention, it is easy to concede to the path of least resistance.
Let's be honest. The hardest person we will ever have to lead is ourselves. Self-leadership is the most important thing we do as leaders, but it's hard. There are ever-increasing obstacles:
Distraction. Comparison. Confusion. Insecurity. Paralysis - just to name a few.
No one is completely immune to these challenges. This is why it is so vital to ask ourselves what we stand for, or presented another way - what do we really value? Once our values are acknowledged and crystallized (ideally through the "Five-Fold Why" technique), we now have a guiding light by which to make decisions and commit to action.
In an extremely distracting world, living in alignment with values gives us the freedom to cut through the outside noise and be who we want to be. If you are interested in discovering your own core values to live by and developing a Personal Direction Plan, you can learn more here.
Questions for Others
People want to be heard. You want to be heard. Because of this natural tendency, we are all prone to think and talk more about our own situations and endeavors rather than listening to others.
Since most of us are inclined to focus on ourselves, there are many lost opportunities to open up dialogues and ask questions that lead to more growth and genuine connection with those around us.
Questions can be the keys to opening closed doors. And while the doors are not all locked, it can be daunting to take the first step by knocking on the door through questioning.
It often takes intentionality and boldness to initiate these interactions. But with a little more focus and interest in others through questions, we can take the next step forward to experience so much more that can be waiting on the other side.
So, how do we cultivate this skill of asking powerful questions to others?
First, we need to be curious.
With each passing week, I hear my three-year old ask me more and more questions. Instead of the "Five-Fold Why" technique, she gives me the "Hundred-Fold Why" treatment! She is soaking up new information like a sponge, and it's because she asks questions. Similar to our young ones, we must be intentional about approaching every situation with an intense sense of curiosity to learn and grow from others.
But unlike my precious daughter who is often overly eager to ask the next "Why, Daddy?" question, we must know when to stop and listen. It is easy to fool ourselves that we are intently listening when we already have our own response prepared, regardless of how the other person answers our question.
However, by practicing empathetic listening, we can provide the space and psychological safety that others so desperately want and need in order to be heard, understood, and appreciated.
One of the most powerful skills or nuances of listening comes in the form of follow-up questions. By actually hearing someone else's response, sitting on their thoughts, and then digging for more explanation, there is an increased level of depth and richness that is released in our interactions. Here is one of the most simple yet powerful open-ended questions that you can ask someone - can you please tell me more about that?
Along those same lines, we can encourage and empower others through our questions. Every single person on this planet has a unique story and can share information and stories that can teach and inspire us. As we learn from the responses to questions, we also have the opportunity to initiate the nudge needed to allow others to discover what's holding them back from accessing their biggest dreams and aspirations. Our questions can be the catalysts that ignite others to reflect and then subsequently step into what is next for them on their journeys.
Ultimately, questions have the most powerful and profound effect through relationships. We have to earn trust before exploring the inner thoughts of ourselves and others. However, once trust is earned, it is imperative that we ask meaningful questions to open up unlimited possibilities for action and impact. There are opportunities all around and within us to ask powerful questions.
So, my question to you is this - will you be willing to ask them?
Here are a few powerful questions for yourself and those around you:
What in your life has given you the greatest fulfillment?
What in your life brings you rest and restoration?
What would you say you value in your life?
How do you see yourself in 3 years? How about in 10 years?
Do your current habits, goals, and rhythms support that vision?
Let us know your favorite questions by responding in the comments below.
Life is too short not to ask powerful questions. Go make them count!
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