Let your Home be a Laboratory for Self-Leadership
By: Wes Cochrane
There is an ancient arena of organizational leadership that predates the modern office environment. It predates the industrial revolution. It predates the printing press. It even predates the agricultural revolution and the beginning of recorded history.
That arena is the family.
While books and articles about parenting proliferate, the center of gravity in the broader conversation about leadership is oriented to the world beyond the home.
I think this misses a key reality about home life — it is a crucible for leadership development for moms and dads (i.e., for anyone who leads outside the home).
Since reading the book, Lead Yourself First by Mike Erwin (founder of Team RWB) and Raymond Kethledge (U.S. Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals Judge), I’ve been pondering the role that parenting can play in my own development as a leader and self-leader. One guest that the authors interviewed for the book mentioned, in passing, that “parenting is the oldest form of leadership.”
That simple assertion had a sobering effect on me. Like a cold shower, it woke me up to a reality that I’ve often missed since becoming a parent over eleven years ago: (1) leadership doesn’t stop when you get home from work, and (2) there is a real opportunity to grow as a leader by practicing at home.
We all know how vital leadership in the home is. Much of our current news headlines are filled with the “fruit” of poor leadership at home. Whether it’s another depraved shooting spree by a young man who has nurtured a twisted, warped worldview in his heart, or something as messy and bizarre as the allegations in the Heard/Depp defamation trial, our world doesn’t want for the harvest that comes from poor or nonexistent leadership in the home. In short, we know that leadership can’t stop when we cross the thresholds of our front doors.
What we may not consider as often, however, is the fact that how we lead at home echoes in the workplace. If we aren’t alert to this, we miss a growth opportunity that is staring us in the face. I’m talking about the fact that, on a daily basis, we either embrace or miss the chance to practice–at home–those positive attributes that make us more effective leaders in the workplace.
Quick disclaimer before we jump in: anyone that writes an article like this runs the risk of creating a false impression of achievement in this area. As I revealed in a recent interview on the Intentional Leader podcast, I fail more as a leader at home than at work.
What is going on at home?
At home, we’re just “mom” or “dad.” Our fancy titles or accolades from work mean little — functionally — to our children. And, while our spouse likely recognizes and appreciates our accomplishments, at the end of the day, they mean little in the face of dirty diapers, dirty dishes, or dirty toilets and sinks.
There is no annual performance review for our parenting. There’s no one grading us. Likewise, there’s often no one patting us on the back for our efforts at home—certainly not our children, who are often in the throes of battling self-absorption and youthful entitlement. In short, there is no one to impress.
There is always more work to be done at home, and the “work” — whether physical or emotional — never really ends.
The dishwasher and the washer/dryer are insatiable. Amazingly, everyone needs to be fed every day, multiple times a day. Trash and recycling accumulate. Carpets beg to be vacuumed. Bathrooms cry out for cleaning. This is to say nothing of the emotional toil of parenting.
Sibling conflict is like an active volcano. Several times a week my wife and I just want to escape from Pompeii and flee the tumult. Of course, we can’t. Duty and love call us to hold the line. Teaching kids to recognize, understand, and properly channel their emotions can be exhausting. And, like the management of the physical home, this work never ends.
Sometimes we fail. We lose our tempers. We lose self-control and yell. I don’t have enough fingers to count how many times I’ve attempted to urge my children to have self-control while displaying zero self-control. Often, we find that our shining moments as parents can be swallowed by those bad moments. And, unfortunately, our children don’t assign equal weight to our actions.
Raising children is an endurance sport. They don’t grow up overnight. The fruit of our labor doesn’t appear overnight either. Character development and maturation take years, not days.
This means we have to bear with our children as they continually learn and fail. Undoubtedly, we repeat ourselves, teach the same lessons again, and referee the same conflicts over and over.
How we can leverage the demands of the home to grow as leaders
We can either be frustrated by all of this and resist it, or we can accept this and embrace it. Practicing intentional leadership at home offers the promise to teach us things like humility, patience, and endurance.
Like the running water of a river smooths the rough edges of rocks and stones, the work of parenting and managing our homes can smooth out our rough edges.
I like one of Merriam-Webster’s definitions of “smooth” — “to free from what is harsh or disagreeable.”
The tough reality is that merely going through the challenges of home life does not, by itself, produce fruit. One has to actively cultivate and invite it.
Like anything in life, we improve the more we practice. I always return to a favorite Denzel Washington quote: “Between goals and achievement are discipline and consistency.” Formulaically, Achievement = Discipline + Consistency.
A few things I’ve been practicing this year in my home that I’ve found to be impactful are: (1) apologizing to my children when I am wrong or overly harsh; (2) building in a deliberate break for my spouse, mid-week, regardless of what my day has looked like; and (3) intentionally setting aside time to “hang” with my kids, playing board games, card games, and lingering at the meal table, or playing outside.
How do these activities and decisions relate to my leadership development?
Authentically apologizing to my children when I wrong them or am unkind humbles me and sets an example for them. It helps me practice tightening the gap between offense and apology, something that is highly relevant to workplace friction
Seeking opportunities to give my spouse time to herself is not only beneficial for her and our family, but it reinforces in me the need to elevate the needs of my teammates and practice servant leadership.
Intentionally investing time into my children, doing things they want to do, reminds me to create space to build genuine relationships with those around me. Because, relationships foster trust; and trust is a prelude to influence.
My aim in this article has not been to give you more methods or share parenting tips. That’s not my lane. My aim, however, is to shine light on the principle that the home can be an incubator for our practice of self-leadership. The home offers numerous reps to practice what Christians call the “fruit of the spirit” – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
If we look at the work of the home as an opportunity to grow as a leader, we kill two birds with one stone–we intentionally raise and shape the next generation of leaders, and we further hone the necessary attributes we need to lead ourselves and others at work and in our communities.
Two questions for you:
If someone you deeply admire were to shadow you at home for a week, what would you be proud for them to witness?
Likewise, what might you be embarrassed for this person, whom you respect, to see?
Next Steps: Share with a close friend (or even your spouse or partner) one specific way you hope to improve your leadership at home this week. Make it small and achievable. Perhaps it is being more present by not touching your phone during your first hour home from work. Or, maybe it’s just scheduling one date night with your spouse or partner for the coming week. Regardless, just make it small, specific, and achievable within the next week. Share it with someone you trust for accountability.
One last thing… If you’re interested in growing in your leadership practice and being inspired to think differently and unlock greater personal potential, we want to give you a gift. Just click the link below and tell us where to send you 12 Ideas That Will Make You A Better Leader In 2022.
