The Perils of Perfectionism
By: Wes Cochrane
The pain of perfectionism knows no boundaries. The other night, I went to tuck my 11-year-old into bed and found him in tears. He had a small presentation the next day at school and was stressed because he didn’t think it would be that good – it wasn’t perfect. According to him, he hadn’t practiced enough, he couldn’t recall all the facts from memory (and refused my suggestion to have a note card to fall back on), and he wasn’t even sure the topic was interesting enough.
After drawing this out of him, I tried to point out these presentations weren’t graded and were meant to be a grace to him and his classmates – opportunities designed to help them improve in public speaking and learn to field questions on their feet. Having watched him practice his presentation earlier in the evening, I also noted that it was legitimately good and he had no reason to be concerned.
I’m not convinced my efforts assuaged his misgivings about it. He went to bed teary. And, while he reported back to me the next evening that his presentation was a success, the memory of this little story remained with me.
Many of us battle perfectionism’s grip on our lives. Contrary to the classic (hopefully apocryphal) anecdote of the humble-brag heard by many hiring committees – that “my biggest weakness is that I care too much…” – there is nothing cute or funny about perfectionism. Perfectionism not only hurts us as individuals, its echoes reverberate throughout the teams we lead, impacting others as well. It’s not something to be admired, it’s something to be mitigated.
The American Psychological Association defines perfectionism as “the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation,” and notes that “[i]t is associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems.” More succinctly, perfectionism “is broadly defined as a combination of excessively high personal standards and overly critical self-evaluations.” Leading experts Thomas Curran and Andrew P. Hill completed a landmark study in 2017 that demonstrated that levels of perfectionism – across all three types: self-oriented, socially prescribed, and other-oriented – increased linearly among young people between 1986 and 2016. Informing their study were 164 different samples comprising nearly 42,000 American, Canadian, and British college students.
While the conclusion that perfectionism is on the rise is troubling, I was more struck by the sobering effects of perfectionism, something that Curran and Hill highlight in their study. Let’s look briefly at each of the three types and their documented effects.
Self-oriented perfectionism is all about striving to obtain perfection and avoid failure. Those afflicted with self-oriented perfectionism can appear impressive. Adaptive and achievement-related on the outside, Curran and Hill write that this type often masks a vulnerability to tying their self-worth to achievement and being unable to derive a lasting sense of satisfaction from their accomplishments. The authors cited research among college students concluding that self-oriented perfectionism is positively associated with ills like clinical depression, anorexia nervosa, elevated blood pressure, and early death.
Socially prescribed perfectionism is, according to Curran and Hill, “the most debilitating of the three dimensions of perfectionism.” This type regularly perceives the expectations of other people as excessive, uncontrollable, and unfair. The result, Curran and Hill write, is that those prone to socially prescribed perfectionism routinely feel a sense of failure and negativity. Socially prescribed perfectionism is positively associated with anxiety, depression, and suicide ideation.
Other-oriented perfectionism may result in the most conflict. For other-oriented perfectionists, other people frequently fall short of their lofty expectations and standards. When this happens, this type blames and criticizes others. According to Curran and Hill, studies of college students have shown correlations between other-oriented perfectionism and “socially antagonistic characteristics such as higher vindictiveness, hostility, and the tendency to blame others, in addition to lower altruism, compliance, and trust.”
Spend a few minutes reading Curran and Hill’s study and you quickly realize perfectionism sucks, no matter how you cut it. Like toxic chemicals leaching through soil into water sources, we shouldn’t imagine, for one second, that the same harmful behaviors correlated with perfectionism in individuals don’t somehow trickle (or flood) into our teams and organizations as well.
Further, if we accept Curran and Hill’s conclusions – that perfectionism increased linearly in college students from 1986 to 2016 – then many of those in leadership positions across all industries, in government and private sectors, are statistically more likely to be perfectionists. According to author and leadership consultant Janet Britcher, this poses a significant problem for such leaders’ teams.
Writing for Forbes, Britcher cautioned that perfectionistic leaders tend to micromanage, set moving targets for goals, and promote cultures where employees hide their mistakes, rather than learn from them. The negative implications are legion. Micromanagement, she notes, suppresses creativity and initiative. As for defining success, continuously shifting goalposts doesn’t merely stress the leader out, it infects the entire team, crushing motivation, tanking workplace satisfaction, and driving burnout. Finally, an organization where members hide their mistakes or failures is an organization that doesn’t learn. Organizations that don’t learn don’t grow – they become dead-ends, cul-de-sacs, that turn away top talent instead of attracting it.
My 11-year-old displayed self-oriented perfectionism. The tears came because he was overcome by the thought that his presentation might not be perfect. He couldn’t appreciate that the event was meant to be just another “rep” at public speaking, an opportunity for him to grow. In his mind, the presentation was something deeper – it was a measure of his self-worth. “As long as I nail this presentation, I am somebody, I have value.” This is a surefire path to disappointment (or worse).
I can identify, though. My guess is many readers can as well. So what do we do, then?
Pursue excellence and growth, not perfection.
Excellence, progress, and growth – these are all noble aims that promote long-term success and satisfaction without the perils of perfectionism’s siren call.
In his new book, The Pursuit of Excellence, author and award-winning podcaster Ryan Hawk sets the stage for his book’s subject matter by highlighting the philosophy of a high school basketball coach from Centreville, Ohio, named Brook Cupps. Cupps is a leader and coach familiar with success. In 2021, he led Centerville High School to its first ever boys basketball state championship. Hawk asked Coach Cupps to describe the difference between success and excellence.
Cupps replied, “Success is based on a comparison with others. Excellence is measured against your own potential.”
In Hawk’s words, “[d]o my habits, routines, rituals, and actions match my intention to be better tomorrow than I am today? These questions are the gateway to excellence because living a life of excellence is about the fanatical pursuit of gradual improvement.”
This is a modern rendition of ancient wisdom. While it’s been overly quoted, Aristotle’s admonition still packs a punch – “We are what we repeatedly do, therefore, excellence is not an act but a habit.” Riffing on that a little, Marcus Aurelious added, “[s]uch as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind.”
Excellence sounds like a healthier goal than perfection.
As we wrap this up, let’s revisit Curran and Hill’s study above. What was the fruit of a life marked by any of the three dimensions of perfectionism? It was anxiety, depression, turmoil of the mind and spirit, and in some cases self-destructive thoughts.
Contrast this with a life that aims for excellence. If our actions, every day, are geared toward pursuing excellence in our own lives, subject to our own circumstances, we will cultivate a habit of excellence. In cultivating a habit of excellence, we necessarily think about and ponder excellence. As our thoughts habitually drift to the subject of where we might be falling short or where we might improve, a mix of humility, optimism, and resolve builds in our hearts and minds. We remind ourselves of a mantra that we could all embrace – “progress over perfection.” This is the fruit of pursuing excellence; and leading ourselves in this way has profound implications for our leadership of others.
So where are you in all this? Just step back for a moment and be honest with yourself – have you been lured by perfectionism’s promise?
I have at times.
For me, the times I’m most vulnerable to perfectionism is when I’m most insecure; new jobs, new environment, new challenges, or new situations where I feel out of my element – that’s when I’ve often reverted back to it.
Maybe you can relate.
The best way to interrupt the cycle of perfectionism is confession – that is, just telling the truth to yourself or others. Transformation is often unlocked when we are honest with ourselves and others. This week, ask yourself:
Which of the three dimensions of perfectionism do I relate to the most?
What area at home, at work, or elsewhere, do I see evidence of an embrace of perfectionism?
How does my perfectionism impact the lives of others, whether at home or at work?
What am I giving up at home or at work by tolerating perfectionism in myself?
What would it feel like to experience change in this area?
As leaders, we are either growing or stagnating. There’s no staying put. Addressing perfectionism in our lives is a giant vote for growth.
Go make it count!
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