Living in the Angst - 3 Key Responses for When You Get Punched in the Mouth
By: Ryan Brence
“Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”
Tony Sirico, the infamous mobster actor who played “Paulie Walnuts” on the hit show The Sopranos, died last week at the age of 79.
I've met a few celebrities in my life, but I will never forget the time I encountered Mr. Sirico and his running buddy, James Gandolfini Jr., the actor who played “Tony Soprano” on the famous TV drama series.
In 2008, I was a senior at West Point and had the opportunity to attend a Wounded Warriors fundraising event in New York City with a couple of my classmates.
We were in our "full dress" uniforms which we only donned for the most formal occasions. Of course, our unique and historical military attire attracted attention from those at the function.
After several brief interactions with civilians and other military members, I caught a glimpse of Sirico and Gandolfini at the bar by themselves.
I had seen a few episodes of The Sopranos, but I knew it was one of my dad's all-time favorite TV shows. With no else around them and feeling some confidence in my full dress uniform, I decided to approach the celebrity actors.
What the heck, right?
As I anxiously greeted them, the celebrities slowly shifted their gaze to me and gave the type of soft smile that one would expect from mafia actors. After exchanging pleasantries, Mr. Sirico and Gandolfini quickly directed the focus of our conversation to West Point and our military training.
Surprised by their curiosity, I went into detail regarding the difficult training regimen that West Point cadets endure throughout their time at the academy. I discussed our intense physical training, weapons training, small unit tactics training...among other areas of instruction.
I guess you could say I was feeling a little "big for my britches."
After rambling on for several minutes, Mr. Sirico nodded his head in approval and then quietly asked me, almost under his breath, "Do they teach you any of that hand-to-hand combat at the academy?"
Excited by his follow-up question, I proudly announced my proficiency in boxing and mixed martial arts combatives through my time at school. As I concluded another long-winded explanation of our training, I was caught off guard by Mr. Sirico's closed fist coming right at my face.
Paulie Walnuts sucker punched me in the mouth!
And let's just say it was not a playful punch.
In his New York accent he quickly asked me, "Where were you on that one, huh?"
Shocked by what just happened at such a formal event, I looked up at the actors to find two big smirks on their faces. All I could do was nervously smile, and then naturally checked my jaw to make sure it wasn’t broken.
I didn't really know what to say or do after that exchange, but I did decide to keep my words to a minimum from that point on. All in all, Mr. Sirico and Gandolfini were great guys and expressed their gratitude for my service. They even took a picture with my classmate and me as seen below.
RIP Tony Sirico aka “Paulie Walnuts”
The Angst
My interaction with Mr. Sirico was just a blip in time, but it packed quite a punch (pun intended) to my ego and spirit in that moment.
One second, I’m riding the waves of confidence from the attention garnered by my uniform and education, and the next second I’m struck by the realization that maybe I’m not that great, or worse, even an imposter…
How do you respond when you get hit in the mouth unexpectedly? And I’m not talking about a mean right hook from Mike Tyson or “Paulie Walnuts” - at least I hope not, for your sake.
I’m talking about the sudden moments of adversity that hit you out of nowhere.
You get into an unforeseen argument with your significant other over a seemingly small exchange.
You receive harsh criticism from your boss regarding a project that you’ve put a lot of time and energy into.
You hear the devastating medical news from a close family member or friend.
Whether they are brief moments of hardship or longer seasons of difficulty, we all inevitably find our backs against the wall over and over again throughout life.
And we must respond.
The question is how do we respond to the angst that consistently rears its ugly head up in our lives, so that we can effectively move forward in life with purpose and meaning?
Here are 3 key responses for when you get punched in the mouth:
1. Know and Recall your Identity
In his famous book Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl exclaims that “everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” Frankl was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, and writer - an accomplished man by anyone’s standards.
However, after Nazi Germany’s annexation of Austria in 1938, he was eventually sent away to several concentration camps. As a Holocaust survivor, Frankl shared his astounding perspective on purpose and meaning. Ultimately, he came to the realization that “those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any ‘how’.”
What is your why?
Many would say that is a loaded question, but here is something to consider: have you taken some intentional time to sit, reflect, and write-out what you are most committed to and value in your life? This exercise can be the beginning of bringing deeper clarity, focus, and vision to your personal identity.
By knowing and recalling our identity, we are more equipped to respond to adversity with a clearer understanding of who we are and which attitude and behavior aligns with our overall sense of self.
It is imperative that we take the necessary time to become more self-aware in our values and commitments, so that when our backs are against the wall, our identity is not only sustaining but also gives us the direction needed to move forward. To learn more about where to begin in developing a personal direction plan, check out another Intentional Leader article here.
In his new book Be Your Future Self Now, Benjamin Hardy discusses the idea of prospection, or the anticipation of your own future. Hardy lays out the importance of visualizing and defining your future self so that you can act in congruence with who you see yourself becoming.
In doing so, “the quality of connection you have with your own future self determines the quality of your life and behaviors now.” Ultimately, he argues that this future self exercise can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy that is much more likely to become reality through intentional focus and mindfulness.
Since we know that hardships will continue to arise in life, let’s proactively and consistently reflect on who we are becoming and how we are known by our attitudes and behaviors.
Picture your closest relationships - the ones in your life that will most often watch and experience how you respond to adverse situations.
What would you want to hear them say about your ability to bounce back from difficult moments?
What would you like them to learn as they view your response to hardship?
As Hardy mentions in his book, “the more connected we are to our longer-term future self, the better and wiser our decisions are today.”
Action Steps:
Know that you always have the freedom to control your attitude and response.
Write out and consistently review your core values and what’s most important to you.
Visualize and define your future self.
Respond to adversity in accordance with your identity in mind.
2. Call upon your People
We all need people in our corner when we get hit in the mouth, like a trainer or coach outside of the boxing ring. Over time, we absorb blow after blow, and if we are not able to communicate our hardships truthfully, then we are more susceptible to a sudden crash (especially when we are left alone). Ultimately, I believe we are designed by God for community and helping one another. There is a fundamental desire for all of us to be known, loved, and accepted.
With that inherent truth found deep within us, who would you say are your people? (aka your “peeps, day 1’s, go-to’s,” etc.)
These are the individuals that you can trust enough to be fully vulnerable with because you know that they genuinely care about you and your overall well-being. They speak life and truth over you through encouragement and consistently bring you energy.
In today’s age, we live in a very private society that typically showcases the “best” parts of our lives through social media. If we’re honest with ourselves though, deep down we all want to be known on a more authentic level.
With a little hope and vulnerability, this can be accomplished. It is simply a matter of taking the first step to reach out to someone that you trust and work towards truly being heard or hearing them. It may take time, but if it is authentic, I promise that you will not regret your decision to go deeper with someone you care about. In doing so, you will most likely be doing them a service as well.
As a personal example, within the Intentional Leader team, I am extremely grateful to communicate with Cal and Wes on a weekly, if not daily, basis through an audio messaging app. At first, we used this platform to discuss thoughts and ideas for future content. However, as life changes and challenges presented themselves, it became an incredible forum for us to reflect, ask one another hard questions, pray and encourage each other in the midst of all the obstacles that life inevitably throws at us. What a blessing!
Whether it is your spouse, family members, close friends, or even new acquaintances, be on the lookout for “your people” so that you can call upon them in moments of adversity. Be willing to put yourself out there in the midst of trials and tribulations so that you are fully known and can gain further perspective from the outside looking in. This practice cultivates further self-awareness, connection, and empathy for you and “your people” that you do life with.
Action Steps:
Know “your people” who you can call upon at any given moment for emotional support.
Be intentional in engaging “your people” more frequently (i.e. coffee, lunch, phone calls, voice messages, etc.).
Practice vulnerability & authenticity when you know that you are in need of support.
Make others feel safe around you - ensure “your people” & others know they can come to you in times of need.
3. Embrace the Journey and Keep Moving
When I was in the Army, there was a saying that I heard and used often - “Embrace the suck.” Everyone gets a kick out of that phrase because it speaks to the angst that we all battle with - the overriding truth that we can’t stop “the suck,” so we might as well embrace it - whatever it is.
But does it always have to suck?
We are all living out unique individual stories, and each time we get hit in the mouth, our perspective leads to our responding behavior. As Carol Dweck mentions in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, a fixed mindset believes that our qualities and circumstances are simply unchangeable.
However, a growth mindset cultivates the belief that our skills and characteristics can be developed, leading to further progress in our lives. One mindset is deterministic (fixed mindset), while the other provides a greater sense of hope and freedom to advance past setbacks and move forward in life (growth mindset).
The ideas of growth and progression are found all around us. The more practice we put in, the more proficient we become. The more weight we use when working out, the larger our muscles grow. The more action we take, the greater opportunities come our way.
In the process, however, it is the failures and setbacks that allow us to learn the most about ourselves, others, and the environments we find ourselves in so that we can continue to evolve in the midst of adversity. We cannot let fear, disappointment, or apathy paralyze us from becoming all that we were created to be.
Resistance builds resilience.
As Helen Keller said, “The struggle of life makes us strong, patient, helpful men and women. It lets us into the soul of things and teaches us that although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it!”
In other words, the journey is the reward, because it is making us more human, so we can serve our fellow man and community in the process.
With the acknowledgement of continual struggle in this life, it is important to be prepared to keep moving when we are hit in the mouth. As Victor Frankl stated, we always have the freedom to choose our attitude, so why not choose an attitude of action?
After taking the necessary time to process a moment of adversity and call upon our support system, as needed, we need to keep moving forward in other areas that we control which give us energy, confidence, and momentum. Here are some practical examples of things we can control:
Physical exercise or movement (even a simple walk outside)
Eating healthy and nourishing food
Getting enough sleep that restores our minds and bodies
Enjoying hobbies that develop passion, reflection, and creativity
Serving others through words and deeds
Plugging into community (e.g. church, hobby groups, family/friend activities, etc.)
It is shocking and disruptive when we get hit in the mouth, but it can also be the jolt we need to advance to the next stage of growth in our lives. With the help and support of our “people,” if we are able to maintain perspective and respond through life-giving thoughts and actions, we will be able to embrace the beautiful (and often messy) journey of life as we take one small, progressive step at a time.
Tony Sirico aka “Paulie Walnuts” helped me grow through a few invaluable lessons that evening when he punched me in the mouth:
Speak with purpose, but be short and succinct when talking about yourself.
If you talk a big game, you better be able to back it up - "be humble or be humbled," as they say.
Never mess around with the mafia (even if they are actors).
My friends, go embrace the journey today and make it count!
One last thing… If you’re interested in growing in your leadership practice and being inspired to think differently and unlock greater personal potential, we want to give you a gift. Just click the link below and tell us where to send you 12 Ideas That Will Make You A Better Leader In 2022.
